Cold family plan won’t aid union on life support

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have discovered through therapy I’m not going to be happy if I don’t have kids. I now think I would even need to adopt, if necessary.

The issue is that my wife has fallen in love with her own creative work at age 30. She claims she feels like she’s “giving birth” every time she creates another big painting or sculpture. Yes, she’s a born drama queen.

The bigger problem is my mate is now so sure she doesn’t want a family that she has decreed it’s out of the question for us. That even includes adoption and me taking on the bulk of the child-care duties.

When stressing the fact she doesn’t want to give birth herself, she emphasizes her horror at becoming another “sloppy mom.” I kind of stopped loving her after she said that, and now our relationship is cooling. She could see it in my face.

Then today, she said she would come around to the idea of adopting in an effort to stay together, with me being the caregiver. This feels pretty cold to me. What do you think?

— Feeling the Chill, Fort Garry

Dear Feeling the Chill: You two have come to a big fork in the road. You might adopt a child and try to keep the marriage going, but you would not really love the cold mother your mate promises to be. And pity the poor child when you aren’t around.

Your own personal relationship with your wife has cooled, so this is definitely not the woman for you for the long-term. Why are you hanging around? A high percentage of women you could date would desire children they would actually love, share with you and enjoy caring for.

If you’re afraid of not finding a new woman, know this — most women admire men who desire a family and want to raise children with love, as you do.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife loves that I make a lot of money and she doesn’t have to work, other than on her paintings. However, she’s been creating very little art this year — a new one every three months or so.

She sells her work quite easily, as she’s a great painter, but she has come to prefer watching TV, going out for spa-type beauty treatments and taking part in fitness classes. She is a raven-haired beauty, I’ll give her that. (Privately, she thinks she’s another Cher.)

She works out harder than any man I know, so I recently encouraged her to become a gym instructor. She laughed at me and said, “I only work out to please you.” That’s a joke — she only does things to please herself.

She’s become so cold underneath and she may soon lose her home on easy street.What can I do here?

— So Frustrated, Tuxedo

Dear Frustrated: You owe it to your artist wife to inform her the end of your marriage is near and she may soon be looking after herself and living off her paintings. However, see your lawyer before you say anything and figure out a generous settlement to offer your wife, should you decide to go that route.

Then be prepared for her to fight it, as she’s been living very well with you — and just creating four paintings a year.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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