Verbal sparring can generate sexual sparks

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I just saw my ex-wife at a political get-together recently. It was a bit shocking — she was hanging on the arm of a guy she used to say she couldn’t stand. What is this called? A love-hate relationship?

He used to annoy her to no end. How did they end up getting together?

— Making My Head Spin, North Kildonan

Dear Making Head Spin: For some people who like a lively debate, a heated discussion is sometimes a great way to get mutually turned on. This may have been what happened with your ex-wife and her nemesis.

Alternatively, if these two are both serious cerebral types, they may just like to argue for the sake of an exciting discussion — a kind of mental exercise.

However, it’s really time for you to stop worrying about your ex-wife, who is probably too busy arguing with her new partner to even give you a second’s thought.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My longtime boyfriend and I just got home from an out-of-town wedding. The bride and groom were so happy.

On the way home in the car my guy turned to me and said, “Well, this is it, babe. When are we going to get married? Either we do it sometime soon, or we don’t keep on seeing each other.”

I said, “What? Is that your idea of a romantic proposal someone would want to accept and cherish for the rest of their life?”

He then said, ‘It’s been almost five years now. Every time I try to ask, you shoot me down in flames.”

He’s actually right. I do love him, but I’m not sure if I’m “in love” with him.

My mother, who has been married and divorced twice, has not taught me or shown me even one good thing about marriage. She just says, “All men are the same when you get down to it.”

What do you suggest? My boyfriend is ready to hit the road for a new job in another province.

I like my work here, and I’m dragging my feet about moving away with him to a place with no job waiting for me.

Do I love him? Certainly, as a dear friend. He’s a good lover, but he doesn’t set my heart on fire. Also, he loves to pick arguments.

I’m 31, so please give me some advice.

— Not Excited to Move, West End

Dear Not Excited: It seems you’re already rolling your eyes when your poor guy talks. That’s not enough love to sustain a marriage, especially in a new province where you don’t know many people.

Never mind trying to mould this boyfriend into a loving and exciting lifelong mate, and possibly the father of your future your children. You just aren’t a strong enough pair to move off together and be happy.

To get yourself moving in a more fruitful direction once he’s gone, talk with a relationship counsellor. First off, you need to review of the partners you’ve had and get some professional feedback on your patterns. Then you can discuss what would actually excite your body and soul in a life partner.

When actively looking for a new love, you might also make a list of things you would like to explore — travel destinations, music, sports, artistic endeavours and other pursuits that would excite you.

Also consider careers a new mate might have that you would find interesting to hear about over a long period of time. This is just one of the ways a bond can remain strong.

The idea is to build an ever-expanding circle of good friends together and enjoy a varied life with someone you can easily love for many years.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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