Deflated over mate’s hate for renovated pate

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I kind of lost it recently with the hot weather and all the sweating, so I had my barber buddy completely shave off my thick head of hair.

Right away, I loved the cool feeling and thought it really looked good with my silver earring.

But when I came home that evening with my new look, my wife said it looked terrible and freaked her out.

Then she really went too far and said I’m now “all nose, with beady little eyes and a big mouth.” I had no idea she didn’t like my face anymore. I’ve never been considered an ugly man, but is that how my wife sees me now? At least other women don’t think so.

After taking all her insults that night, I went out again and didn’t come home until morning. I spent the night at an old girlfriend’s place. She restored my sexual confidence and made me feel good again about myself and my appearance.

Before I left her in the morning, my ex said she wished I were her man again and not just someone I turn to when things go bad in my life.

So what happens now with my wife and me? She has told me that if she ever caught me cheating that would be it and I’d be out on the street. She met me at the door of our home when I returned and just directed me to the basement — like I’m a bad dog.

I haven’t overtly confessed to anything yet, but I did tell my wife I stayed with a friend, and I’m pretty certain she knows where I was.

We’ve had bad fights before, but never like this. I need some serious help now. I’ve had enough of being treated like the dirty dog in her life.

— Not Feeling It, West End

Dear Not Feeling It: There’s no point in trying to stagger along together with you playing the role of “bad dog” relegated to the cellar and her as the righteous-but-wounded upstairs woman.

You and your wife have both dealt low blows to one another — nasty insults about your looks from her and now your cheating. The trust is gone, so it’s time to live apart and let the wounds heal for the sake of you both.

Your old girlfriend offered a welcome refuge for the night, but would it really work as a place to reside for the longer term? You don’t mention having any deep romantic feelings for your ex, and are you confident her declaration wasn’t just pillow talk?

What you need now is a whole new plan. Start by finding your own place and contacting close friends, family and work buddies for some positive social interaction as you look to move on with your life.

Rather than sitting around obsessing about the nasty fight and how your wife’s words hurt you, you could start to be the fun, solid friend people want to hang out with. That’s much healthier for you, and by autumn, you could be feeling better than you have for quite a while. Then you’ll be in a better position to start looking for new love.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I spotted my ex-boyfriend at a formal event recently, where I was working as a server. When I went over to his table with wine, I realized he was with a group of gay men I recognized and they all seemed to be quite close, socially.

I guess I must have raised my eyebrows somewhat and my ex said to me quietly, “So now you know,” to which I replied, “I thought as much a while ago.”

Later that night he phoned me to talk and said he only came out a few months ago. I wished him well, but didn’t really want to talk details even though he seemed willing to tell all. It’s left me feeling off-balance. Why?

— Questioning Myself, East Kildonan

Dear Questioning: Thinking about your ex’s new sex life may make you wonder if your relationship together was a lie and if you weren’t actually sexually appealing to him.

Rather than going that route, try to think about this more positively. One’s sexuality often isn’t such a cut-and-dried, either/or proposition. A person’s sexual orientation can be a fluid, evolving thing.

It’s well within the bounds of possibility that he loved you and truly enjoyed his sex life with you. But then the time came when he needed to explore his sexuality and figure out what he really desires. It probably felt very difficult for him to tell you he came out, out of fear you might feel he had been deceiving you.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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