Marriage ‘deal’ needs some maintenance

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife and I, along with our kids, went on a trip to her hometown — which is situated on a lake — for a week recently. On the second day we were all on the beach, and this guy and his family showed up, and he came right over to sit with us. My wife didn’t look at all surprised. It turned out she had invited them.

I knew who he was right away — her high school boyfriend with a long red ponytail and arms full of tattoos. How could I not know?

I felt instantly suspicious as the “surprise” beach rendezvous was obviously planned ahead.

In short order, the one-on-one quiet talking between my wife and her ex was obviously too intimate. His wife then stood up. She packed up their kids and informed him he would be walking home if he didn’t come back with them ASAP. They all left abruptly.

I said to my wife suspiciously, “I bet you and that guy had this meet-up planned behind my back.” She shrugged, and said, “Big deal. I was just curious to see him. I’m not in love with him anymore — and I married you, didn’t I?”

Isn’t marriage supposed to be more than a deal you made? I really wonder how long my wife has been in contact with this ex-boyfriend. What now? I have to be very careful. There is so much to lose if our marriage tanks, especially for our two kids who I love and adore.

— Need Advice Fast, Winnipeg

Dear Need Advice: Your wife may not be a full-scale cheater, but you can bet she’s been flirting with this hometown guy online or by phone for a while. She may even think, “If you don’t have body-to-body sex with somebody other than your marriage partner, it isn’t really cheating on them.”

She now seems to have decided she and her old hometown love could actually see each other in person again — by putting together a chance meeting at their hometown beach. But his wife immediately caught on to the trickery, so there will definitely be some implications for that relationship.

Do you want to stay with your wife? If so, your best way through this is to seek counselling with her — not just trying to let the situation slide into a difficult conclusion to your marriage.

It doesn’t seem like there’s been any in-person affair and physical intimacy, so there’s probably a decent chance of righting your marital ship.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I love my boyfriend, but I also love my new girlfriend. That is the biggest problem in my life as a bisexual woman. The respective first romantic relationships came my way, with many months of loneliness between them.

Now I have an embarrassment of riches. My boyfriend has been on board for three years and my girlfriend is very new. He’s OK with her, and sometimes we make love all together, but that doesn’t thrill him. He doesn’t like to share.

It’s still somewhat new and exciting for me to be with a woman — different ways of getting intimate and feeling emotional things. But I do want a traditional family and to experience pregnancy and childbirth with a husband to help me with bringing up a child.

My boyfriend has asked me to make up my mind who and what I want by Sept. 1 because he has had enough of waiting and wondering.

What should I do?

— Worried By Deadline, downtown Winnipeg

Dear Worried: You’re bisexual for a lifetime but likely only intimately involved with one sex or the other at a time, unless you can find open-minded people with similar situations.

If this man is truly in love with you, he won’t be able to dump you as he’s threatening. Tell him he can’t dictate deadlines to you and you’ll do what you need to do once you know what that is. He may have to wander off and do some hard thinking on that himself.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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