Biological dad more nervous than you about meeting

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 21/12/2015 (3941 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I decided to give myself the New Year’s gift of knowing my biological father, thinking I probably wouldn’t get together with him very soon, but that’s not the case. He got my phone call — my mom told me where he works — and sent me a ticket a week later. He is in Ontario and I’m going to see him right after Christmas.

Now I’m thinking, “OMG, what have I done?” Suddenly I’m nervous. I booked a hotel there, although he invited me to stay with him and his wife. They have no kids and I wonder why. He’s very excited. What if I don’t like him or his wife? My mom got pregnant with me when she was in business college in Winnipeg and he was in university in Ontario. She didn’t want to burden him, as he was a starving student with no money living in another city — and besides, she wasn’t madly in love with him. So, she broke up with him without telling him she was pregnant. Then she met a guy she did love and married him.

In a longish email, my biological dad told me he was broken-hearted when my mom dumped him back then with no warning and refused to see him ever again. He stayed in Ontario and wasn’t aware of me until I looked him up. “Why did you wait so long?” he wanted to know. I didn’t answer. The truth is my mom married a great guy who is my “real” dad and I love him as my own dad. I didn’t feel the need of a second dad, but then I grew up and got my own life. My two roommates and I started talking about it and I finally became curious enough.

So, how do I behave when I go down there? Help!

— Meeting Dad No. 2, Winnipeg

Dear Meeting Dad No. 2: You don’t have to behave like anything. Two biological parents created you, and a third person became your real dad as you grew up. You got what you needed, and you were happy. You aren’t a fatherless child who had no dad and now you need to win one over; you just need to meet him, ask questions and get to know him and his wife.

There is no need for drama over your mama! She didn’t pine for him. She wasn’t madly in love with him, by her own admittance, so this doesn’t need to be awkward or painful. This can just be a pleasant addition to your life, which is already full. Your biological dad is the one who might feel more emotional about this as he was deprived of knowing his child and has no kids of his own. That wasn’t because he couldn’t make babies — you are the proof of that. Just be patient with him and give him time to process things and get used to having a grown child.

The hotel is a good idea — you need a place to recuperate between visits. If you’re afraid of being trotted out to visit all your new relatives too soon, tell them that during your first visit you would appreciate things being low-key. Do your paternal grandparents live here in Winnipeg? You may want to meet them when you get back, as grandparents can be very interesting and provide lots of history. You will probably see some of your shared traits and physical aspects — especially expressions — in the faces of your dad and his parents.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography