You took the licking, now keep on ticking

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 01/02/2016 (3534 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is hard for me to say because I’m a shy man and finally have a girlfriend. I don’t have much experience with sex, but I need to know if this is normal. My girlfriend like to lick me, like a cat or dog would, and it kind of puts me off. She says she likes to taste my skin. That sounds even worse to me. I told her to quit doing it, so now she only does it when she wants to get a rise out of me.

I hesitate to make an issue out of this because it took me so long to find a girlfriend. What do you think?

— Amateur in the Sack, North End

Dear Amateur: People like to do all sorts of things in bed. Some you will like and want to reciprocate, others will leave you cold, and still other things, such as licking your skin, might turn you off. It’s your job to be a gentle gatekeeper. Say, “No, I don’t really like that technique,” or “Oh yeah, do more of that!” or “Would you try doing this with me?” That’s how people get to know each other sexually. Ask her outright, “What things would you like me to do for you?” and she will be the gentle gatekeeper for herself, accepting or not accepting different moves without being insulting.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I kicked my dog, not hard this time, though he deserved it. But my boyfriend came around the corner and caught me. He picked up the dog — a small one — and took him home to his farm. I called him and told him to bring the dog back or I would phone the police. He had the nerve to say, “Either I keep the dog, or I turn you in for abusing him.”

I haven’t called him back. I don’t really want the stupid dog anyway, but I do not let people steal from me. Today, I sent him a bill for $100, which is the least he owes me for the dog. I think this is fair, don’t you? I told him to watch Miss Lonelyhearts for the answer.

— Owed the Money, Winnipeg

Dear Owed the Money: I don’t blame him for picking up the dog and taking him home. Since you’re a physically mean person, if I was him, I would make you sign a receipt and give you $100 just to end the interaction, the relationship and never see you again. My dad taught me sometimes it’s worth $100 to get rid of somebody. He was referring to people who borrow money and will never repay it, but it goes for you too.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
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