Couple’s love life torn over enjoyment of porn

Opinion

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This article was published 16/09/2016 (3311 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband and I have been married six years and don’t ever want kids. We loved sex the first three or four years, but then it became routine. I was getting worried about the boredom, so I brilliantly suggested we watch a little porn. I found it titillating, but he wasn’t as excited. It turns out he had been secretly watching it all along and was a bit ho-hum with it. So I starred shopping around and found us things that were very exciting to me. Suddenly I wanted him more and more while watching videos.

Recently, he wanted to do it back in our boring bedroom without porn, and I said fine. But OMG, I found it such a yawn! I got used to having the other couples around with their bodies and sounds and crazy experiments. So my hubby is feeling inadequate with the porn and I’m bored stiff without it. Now he’s talking about my porn problem. There’s no problem, as we have a great sex life with porn in it, I told him. Big deal. What do you think? — Fan of Porn, St. Vital

Dear Fan of Porn: You have a partial problem if you can’t make love anymore without the screen’s porn actors faking it along with you.

Your husband is feeling your boredom with just him and it’s hurting his pride, and possibly his feelings of love. When he was secretly watching porn without you, it was good for him, but when you got into porn with him, suddenly there were actors for you to compare him to, especially visually.

Maybe the trick is to not watch porn together, but to each watch it privately (call it research) and then meet in your redecorated sexy bedroom to act them out. (You can get recordings online of sexual sounds to play in the background, or make them yourselves if you want.)

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife took up playing the guitar seriously, as her dream all her life has been to be in a band. We got married and had a family very early, so that put an end to that dream. While the kids were growing up, she had them all in lessons learning guitar, drums and keyboards because that’s what she really wanted to do herself.

Now the last kids are in final years of high school and we have some free time, but talk about food bills! And now there are all these new bills for my wife, who’s buying musical equipment and taking guitar and singing lessons. She’s good, but I’m not as nice about it as I should be. I’m tone deaf and have fumble fingers — not band-member material at all. I see her changing, and it scares me, so I can be insulting. I call them reality checks.

Last night, she blew up, saying, “If you say one more negative thing about my music, you will be a very lonely man.” Apparently, her music means more to her than I do now. Please help. I love her so much, and I’m scared I’m losing her. — Worried Big Mouth, Winnipeg

Dear Worried Big Mouth: This woman squelched her dream to raise kids with you for umpteen years. Now it’s her turn.

Your best move is to get on board. Apologize and offer to do anything you can do to help and support her.

If you travel in the other direction and try to drag her down, you’ll be sorry. Could you help launch her career and be her manager?

Also, do you have a dream of your own you could go after? Enjoy your renewed wife, and enjoy your chance to go after something yourself other than just work.

Your kids will grouch first and then admire you for it.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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