Confronting husband’s lover at his office a bad idea

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This article was published 17/09/2016 (3652 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband started an affair this summer while I was at the lake. I have found little clues that it happened in our house. At least they had the decency to use the spare bedroom!

When I came home after spending the summer at the lake with the kids, he said our marriage was “on the rocks” and he needed time to think. I threw a fit and moved into the spare bedroom that very minute. That’s how I found little clues, such as a certain colour of hair, furniture that had been shuffled, a slightly tilted picture above the bed and a condom forgotten in a drawer. (He and I don’t need condoms.)

I have a pretty good idea who it is, and that little witch works for him. Today I was going to march down there and confront her right in the office, but my best friend warned me not to do that. She reminded me there is a lot of money at stake. What is your advice here? I want to go down there and ram his receptionist in the face and call her a husband-stealing ho, which she is. — Furious and Tough Enough, South End

Dear Furious and Tough Enough: Instead of confronting her, see a domestic lawyer, an accountant and a marriage counsellor, alone at first, so you don’t have to watch your mouth when you’re feeling so angry. You need to figure out what could happen before it happens so you get the best settlement. If you took the whole summer off at the lake, either you’re a teacher with a job or a stay-at-home mom who now needs a paycheque outside of money from your husband, or soon-to-be ex.

As for visiting your husband’s office to confront the woman you think is cheating with him, that’s a bad idea on so many fronts. That doesn’t mean you can’t have a talk with her, but not in his workplace.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I am a grown woman who has unresolved issues about my grandfather. He passed away a number of years ago, but I can’t stop thinking about inappropriate touching that happened when I was a little girl. It haunts me to this day. At the time, I told my mother and grandmother, and they just laughed it off saying, Grampy was just being Grampy. It was justified by saying he “grew up very lonely and needs lots of love.”

I think he may have touched my mom and my cousin the same way. The problem is, should I tell myself to just deal with it, or bring it up even though my mom is elderly and not in great health. Do I need to heal myself at the risk of bringing up some memories of the past for my mom? — Victim of Grampy, Manitoba

Dear Victim of Grampy: Grampy is dead now and not a danger to any more family members, but you still need help in dealing with this sexual interference, whatever form it took. It must be deeply disappointing that your grandmother and mother didn’t take you seriously and confront Grampy, the perpetrator of all this sexual abuse.

You need to heal things for yourself, but do you need to heal things by making your mom go through something she laughed off because she was blocking it to survive herself? As the daughter of this man, she may have been more badly abused than she can ever deal with. You say your mom is elderly and in ill health. You could try to approach her gently at this point in her life and she might be more open to the truth. He’s not there to take it out on her, so she has the freedom to speak.

You should share what happened to you with your cousins and aunts. If not, at least get counselling help for yourself. A psychologist, psychiatrist or a counsellor who specializes in this area could help you.

In the end, you may need to speak to your mother about her failure to battle Grampy on your behalf and that of other children in the family. You may need that truth and apology to heal. Please write back and tell me how your journey goes.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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