Hubby feels outdone by wife’s fictional Romeos

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 05/09/2019 (2313 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband suddenly resents the fact I read sexual books — not how-to manuals, but hot Victorian romances. How does he think he got such a hot wife and how my passion has lasted all these years?

Not from him, I’m afraid. He’s a polite and courteous “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” lover. Early on, I tried to teach him, but he didn’t get it. He’s a close friend, wonderful dad and fine husband in so many ways. I wouldn’t trade him.

This problem over my books popped up at the lake when he was out there bored stiff on a rainy weekend. He sneaked the book down to the boathouse bedroom. It was a real sizzler I’d finished the night before. He saw he couldn’t compete with those passionate lovers. But now he knows why I’m turned on to books like that.

I love him, and we have had four kids and a happy family together. The books don’t make me love him less. They just fill in for the hot sexual buildup and high romance I’m never going to get with him, and that’s OK. I’m happy with what I have. He completes the job and I get the big finish from the real man I love. But now he’s not happy anymore and he’s angry. “Is this what you want?” he said to me. “Because I can’t give it to you!” I don’t know what to do. I love him deeply and I feel sorry to see him moping over something he isn’t suited to do. Please help.

— Marriage Bed Gone Cold, Manitoba

Dear Bed Gone Could: Does he think the real-life husbands and lovers of the women who write these highly sexual novels from Victorian times actually date men riding around on horses in velvet breeches, climbing through windows to get to their ladies, sword fighting or duelling at dawn over women with boosted busts and 18-inch waists? It’s fantasy!

You have to convince your man he’s the real-life hero and the finisher and the big response to you and your passion, built up by reading romance novels.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This woman just started working in the office of the warehouse where I have worked for 20 years. She looked vaguely familiar. One day I had to go to the warehouse, and she called out my name and said hello.

I felt sick. This is the woman I was so mean to in university. I have never forgiven myself. I blushed, said, “Hello there,” and scuttled off, like the rat I am. Now what? If we have to work together, do I need to apologize for old history, for the cheating from 20 years ago with her best friend?

— Gutless University Rat, Winnipeg

Dear Gutless: Yes, you need to say something to her, to unburden yourself and to make peace. Keep it general — don’t dig up the hurtful old details — but do apologize. Say something like this: “I want you to know I’m really sorry for how I treated you in university. I was immature, greedy and full of myself, and what I did was inexcusable. I hope you’ll accept my apology and this won’t hurt our working together. You’ll be glad to know I did grow up.”

Good luck, Mr. Rat!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography