Ask server out, but keep the pressure off

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This article was published 09/09/2019 (2535 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I know it’s inappropriate for guys to hit on servers, and when my friends and other people do it, it makes me cringe. But there’s a server at a restaurant where I regularly eat breakfast, who is just the most amazing person and full of life. She’s cute, very interesting and seems like a really cool person.

In a recent small chat, she mentioned she and her boyfriend broke up (this was about two weeks ago) and asking her out has just consumed me since. I legitimately want to spend more time with her, it’s not just a hookup thing. What should I do?

— Wanting To Ask Her Out, St. Boniface

Dear Wanting: Go there a lot more, get friendlier, have more chats, make sure this isn’t just a tiff with her boyfriend. Then one day, ask her if she’d like to go for coffee somewhere else. If she says yes, ask her what days she’s off. If she says, “You mean, go as friends?” you say, “Sure, if that’s what you want it to be.” No pressure at all.

She may just want to cry on your shoulder — or maybe she’s interested in you as a man. You’ll be mad at yourself if you don’t at least try. But be so casual, and such a gentleman about it, that even if she doesn’t show any romantic interest, you can still go back for breakfast and just be friendly.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: What do you do when you’re dating someone who wants to celebrate every nonsensical anniversary of your relationship? First month, two months, three months, six months, and so on.

I really like the girl I’m with. She’s an awesome girlfriend, but she’s super bubbly. I’m getting tired of always having to pretend to be excited about these things. I feel like normal people just celebrate the years, not the months. How can I tell her it’s way too much?

— Drowning in the Bubbles, River Heights

Dear Drowning: It sounds like she’s trying to lock you into a deeper commitment every month. Maybe you’re not designed to be the mate of Miss Super Bubbly, but it sounds like that’s what she’s after.

You have to be honest about not wanting constant celebrations of non-occasions and take your chances she’ll be mad or hurt. If this is how she normally is and she wants to continue like this, then you need to head off down the road, sir, and make room for her perfect match — Mr. Super Bubbly. Face it! You’d be a monthly disappointment for that lady.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband and I went to an NFL pre-season game while on vacation in the U.S. and he made a total ass of himself. He got wasted, screamed himself hoarse, got into arguments with people around us and then threw up while we were leaving. I just hated every minute of it. Not to mention that when I protested his behaviour, he kept telling me to “calm down, for f— sake!”

I’m still deeply angry with him, but haven’t told him just how serious it is. I’ve refused to have sex with him since. What should I do?

— So Turned Off, West Kildonan

Dear Turned Off: Withholding sex isn’t giving him the information he needs. A punishment with no explanation will not repair anything and may just make him feel justified in going out to find another woman. Use your words to get the message across and both of you should be completely sober at the time. Tell him how seriously, deeply angry, embarrassed and turned off you still are, because he’s not sorry. He needs to know what’s really happening to the marriage as a result of his behaviour on the trip.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I married the woman of my dreams two years ago and things are terrible. We used to have an amazing thing. We dated for years before getting married and the first year of marriage was awesome. But she’s slowly slipped into depression. At first I was sympathetic, but now she says rude things to me she never would have said before.

She also never wants to be intimate and have sex, as she’s too busy spending all her time playing video games. She says, “We’re married. This is me. Get used to it.” She won’t open up to me. Help! What should I do?

— Feeling Sick About It, North Kildonan

Dear Feeling Sick: Get her attention. Tell her you are going for help with your marriage, which is in serious trouble because the lines of communication are down, she seems depressed, she’s addicted to video games and she’s become rude, aggressive and non-sexual. Klinic’s initial one-session free individual counselling is offered almost every day of the week and they can help you find longer-term counselling. Call 204-784-4067 for hours and locations.

A longer-term counsellor may be able to help you convince your wife to join you in breathing life back into your relationship. Also, your wife’s own curiosity about what you’re saying about her will probably bring her out to offer her own defence. Even if she won’t go for help, you need to keep on going until you figure out what you’re going to do with your future. If she doesn’t want to get back to the woman you knew and loved, you may have to say goodbye for your own good.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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