Cut the smart-ass shtick and plant a seed

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 13/09/2020 (2175 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I went out to this little town in the summer for a job, and met a guy there who’s a farmer about 10 years older than I am. One day when we were parked side-by-side in town, he said to me in an offhand way, “If you were about 10 years older, I’d ask you out.”

Talk about a come-on. The best-looking guy for miles around said, basically, “I would if I could, but I can’t.” I looked him right in the eye and said, “I’ve heard that line before, Country Boy. Want to compare dating experience with a Big City Girl?” He replied, “You sure you want to tell all that stuff?” I shrugged and said, “Just sayin’. Don’t judge what you don’t know!” Then I jumped in my little truck and took off back to work. All summer we insult-flirted but he never asked me out, and now I’m back working in the city. I want to see him, and feel like I missed my chance by being a smart ass. My country girlfriend tells me he’s still free. Should I phone him?

— City Girl, Winnipeg

Dear City Girl: Why not ask him for dinner in the city. He might feel more comfortable dating you away from people he knows who would watch and talk. So, call him up one evening when you know he’ll be finished working, and offer to take him to a fun restaurant next time he’s in town. Then give him your number, like you’re just friends, and ask how he’s doing. If he’s a bit awkward, cheerfully get off the phone saying, “Think about it. Hope to hear from you!” Short and sweet, not even one crack about age difference. Make this a whole new chapter with a sweeter attitude.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a good-looking lady in my 30s, but a widow with children — three really nice kids under the age of 10. This child situation would be daunting to most men, but I have met a man who just loves my kids. I have reason to fear he doesn’t love me though — just likes me a lot. But I suspect he’d probably marry me, just to have the whole family.

He’s an only child and didn’t have much of a family life. His short marriage (he’s now divorced) didn’t produce any children. We never date without the kids — and that’s his idea. He kisses me, but never even hints he wants to take it any further.

It’s at a do-or-die point for me, and I’m going to ask him soon for an emotional and sexual read-out on our relationship, from his point of view. It’s likely going to put an end to the relationship. What do I tell the kids, who absolutely adore him, if this relationship suddenly comes to a halt?

— Mama May Strike Out, West Kildonan

Dear Mama: If he says he loves the kids, but feels like a friend with you, you tell the kids the truth. Let them know that although this man is very nice to them, and they have enjoyed being with him, you two are just friends and aren’t going to get married and be mommy and daddy together. Assure them you will look further for another man who loves you, and them as well, but this isn’t the one.

Ouch! The kids won’t like this turn of events at first, and will probably cry. But the longer you delay this decision, the more it will hurt both the children and the boyfriend who wants to be a daddy (but not your loving husband). Plus, it will cause you a lot of angst to carry on a hopeless relationship just to please the kids.

Women who finally find a guy who likes their kids are sometimes so grateful they make the mistake of accepting a lukewarm relationship for the sake of giving their children a father. If the couple splits up later, it turns out to be disappointing and painful for the whole family.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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