This is your brain on pause

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 03/07/2010 (5938 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

‘TELEVISION,” the late playwright Paddy Chayefsky once observed, “is democracy at its ugliest.”

Were he alive today, in other words, he wouldn’t be caught dead watching Downfall.

Downfall, in case you hadn’t heard by now, is a new summer-lite game show billed as "High stakes and high drama on the highest game show in the world!" Contestants brace themselves atop a 10-storey building while a conveyor belt loaded with prizes — Cars! Candy! Cash! — tilts its load over the edge of the building, item by item, as the player tries to correctly answer a series of 10 skill-testing questions, which increase in difficulty with each passing round.

But wait, there’s more. If stuck for the right answer, the player has the option of backing up the belt by invoking a clause called — and we’re not making this up — "Friend on the Belt."

In Friend on the Belt, the player’s friends or family members, including but not limited to grandma, can be placed on the belt to help them find the answers. If, however, they don’t beat the clock, granny risks going over the side of the building like the earlier prizes — though admittedly wearing a safety harness, a.k.a. "decelerator," to "soften the fall." Downfall adds whole new meaning to the term over-the-top.

Downfall joins such returning summer classics as Wipeout — "Contestants compete on the world’s largest extreme obstacle course, providing the biggest spills and wipeouts ever seen on television!" — and the inimitable Dating in the Dark, which purportedly answers the centuries-old question, "Is love blind?" Dating does that by placing half a dozen single men and women in sequestered rooms in a house. Their only opportunity to meet is in a dark room. They can ask each other questions, but they won’t get to see the other person in the light of day until the end of the show. The idea — insert light bulb here — is to take looks out of the equation by forcing singletons to get to know one another in total darkness.

"If the television craze continues with the present level of programming," as former Boston University president Daniel Marsh put it, "we are destined to have a nation of morons."

Hey, fella, lighten up! As the legendary Orson Welles once said, "I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can’t stop eating peanuts."

That’s a compliment. At least, we think it was meant to be a compliment.

Here are just a few of the guilty pleasures primed to whet your appetite in the coming weeks. Think of it as an honour roll of the mindless, the faintly ridiculous and the patently absurd, delivered with a mighty dollop of mustard and relish. The TV turn-off crowd, sourpusses, placard wavers, academic eggheads, cranks and cultural elites need read no further.

— Bachelor Pad

Premieres Monday, August 9, ABC, 7 p.m.

You might think that, over the years, The Bachelor and its summer twin The Bachelorette gave us little more than trivial, worthless, meaningless entertainment. And you know what? You’re right!

Bachelor Pad reunites 20 of the most unforgettable players/playahs from The Bachelor and Bachelorette‘s long and winding road of wilted roses, dashed hopes and broken promises — but not so many lifelong relationships, in case you’ve been keeping track.

No matter. They wasted our time so that they could reappear in Bachelor Pad, billed as a "competitive reality show" in which the returning bachelors and bachelorettes play exciting games for big prizes, as well as a second chance at finding love. Because nothing says love quite like a Big Brother-style house tricked out with video cameras and monitors in every room.

Funny, isn’t it, how that "15-minutes-of-fame" thing keeps getting longer by the hour.

— Downfall

Airs Tuesdays, CTV, ABC, 8 p.m.

You know about this one already.

But did you know Downfall is hosted by noted actor, TV personality, radio host, heavy-metal frontman and WWE superstar wrestler Chris Jericho? Or that Jericho is, wait for it, a dyed-in-the-wool Canadian. ‘Tis true: He grew up in Winnipeg, St. James to be exact.

— Wipeout

Airs Tuesdays and Thursday, Global, ABC, 7 p.m.

Why spend time watching the torpor and low-scoring tedium of the World Cup when you can settle for the madness and mayhem of Wipeout‘s version.

But wait, there’s more. In a special episode — well, special to us — Wipeout’s 1,000th contestant will be introduced to the cheering crowd… and then told to face three new obstacles, named, respectively, Mid-Evil Wipe-a-Lot, Overdrive and the Circle Challenge.

The following week, Wipeout will put the old saying "love hurts" to the test, as couples are invited to go literally head-over-heels for one another, as they take on the Blob Launch, Trampoline Shape Shifter and Bruiseball.

Or you could watch, you know, PBS.

— Shaq Vs.

Premieres Tuesday, August 3, ABC, 8 p.m.

Yes, Shaq is back, with an all-new season of Shaquille O’Neal squaring off against top athletes from other sports in their own disciplines. Last year, the Shaq took on Michael Phelps in the pool, Oscar De La Hoya in the ring, Albert Pujols on the baseball diamond and Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh on the beach. (Volleyball, that is. Why, what do you think we meant?)

This season, Shaq will expand his horizons beyond sports to other fields, including a spelling bee contest and a dance competition. So, Shaq, you think you can dance?

— True Beauty

Airs Mondays, Citytv, ABC, 9 p.m.

Is there in truth no beauty? In this one, a bevy of super-attractive beauties, men and women alike, think they’re in a beauty contest to be named the new "Face of Vegas," when in fact they’re being judged for how they behave in pre-planned moral situations. One person is eliminated each week, based on their behaviour and — aha, here’s the catch — "how well they ranked in each challenge."

The person who best demonstrates inner and outer beauty by the end of the show will receive $100,000 in cold, hard cash, and a feature profile in People magazine.

The judges are Carson Kressley, late of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy; Beth Ostrosky Stern, Howard Stern’s (much) better half; and Vanessa Minnillo, a former correspondent on Entertainment Tonight.

— Canwest News Service