Life ruined after house gambled away

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This article was published 17/01/2017 (3539 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My life, as I knew it, is wrecked. My husband revealed a little while ago we were broke and would have to sell our house and cabin. He became addicted to gambling and gambled our money away. He’s getting help and has stopped.

I didn’t know anything. I was a protected and revered wife who stayed at home with the kids. I knew nothing about the money except my husband gave me an allowance every month for household expenses and things for myself. He was a great provider before he got caught up in the curse of gambling.

Now I don’t know what to do or how to feel about him or anything. I alternate between rage, numbness and grieving for the guy I thought I was living with, not to mention the lifestyle. Now I have to get a job, hopefully in my old field after years away from it. He doesn’t want the world to know, but how do you hide things when you’re downsizing and moving to another neighbourhood? How do you tell your friends you’re moving into a small rental? Now he has confessed to me, some of the pressure is off him, but now it is on me. How do I cope? I’m not a support-group person. — Gambling Addict’s Wife, Winnipeg

Dear Gambling Addict’s Wife: Not everybody is a support-group person, but there are many books written on this subject that could help you, privately. A librarian could help you find a stack of them that people like best, and it’s cheaper to borrow books than buy.

I do urge you though to talk to somebody at Gam-Anon, the support group for family and friends of gamblers. Don’t worry about being embarrassed about meeting someone you know there. These are not people who will laugh at you. They are there for the same reason and are more likely to sit down beside you and offer their support.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I felt compelled to reply to Single Holiday Blues, the person who feels she wants to escape traditional Christmas here at home. I just spent my first ever holiday as a single. My husband died earlier in 2016. Early on, I knew I could not face Christmas and try to duplicate the type of family holiday we always celebrated. All of December was spent trying to ignore all the signs of Christmas.

I was fortunate to go away with a family member, and it was the smartest thing we could do. There still were decorations and celebrations, but it wasn’t overwhelming in such a different environment. So whatever the reason, an escape to a destination where the holidays are celebrated differently, and the surroundings are different, can be a positive experience.

As for Christmas at home, I’d like to add that singles are often overlooked during the holidays. Friends, neighbours and co-workers should be aware if someone is totally on their own to include them in their celebrations, even if it’s just an invitation for drinks or coffee. It is surprising when you are no longer part of a couple how you are overlooked. I don’t want to be critical because I was probably just as guilty over the years, but it isn’t hard to make room for one more at your dinner table. Also, it is sometimes helpful to become involved in volunteer work, where the focus shifts to others. There are many charities that organize dinners that are always looking for help. — Been There Too, Winnipeg

Dear Been There Too: Yes, it can help some people to volunteer in the weeks preceding Christmas, doing work such as packing Christmas hampers, but it can hurt, too, especially in the first year or so after a spouse’s death. Sometimes avoiding the situation is best. Just grab a single buddy, relative or neighbour who is also dreading the holiday season and all its warm fuzzy togetherness, and fly off to a hot location by Dec. 20 and don’t come back until two weeks later. After that, Christmas decorations are mostly down, and all the days are normal again — until Valentine’s season. Yikes.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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