Ask dates to be frank about why they reject you

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This article was published 16/08/2017 (3285 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m in my mid-50s with a great job; I’m financially secure, don’t smoke or do drugs and I’m just a social drinker. I’m actively looking for a life partner. I’ve been known to be very generous paying for dates, trips and events. I ask for nothing more than a relationship with a future —no one-night stands or just sex.

I have dated a number of women over the years who say online that they want a relationship, but I find the majority of those have a fear of commitment. Even though we are compatible, there is the thought that, “If I commit to him, then I might miss the opportunity to meet someone better.” There are a lot of women online who choose to date without getting serious. Is it maybe because they have been burned and wouldn’t want to risk getting too close for fear of getting hurt again? Please advise.

— Confused, Manitoba

Dear Confused: No one wants to get burned, so divorced men and women are extra-careful. Widows might be more trusting, but a guy would need to be in very good health. Do you always put yourself in the category of people who are looking for a real relationship and commitment?

Some women are looking for that, but only with the right man. Perhaps they perceive you to be too much of something — or lacking something — and they cover it up by saying they don’t want commitment. It’s time to start engaging in frank exit interviews with women who don’t want to have a serious partnership with you.

Are you old-fashioned, perhaps? A lot of women don’t want another marriage with a man playing the same roles they did when they were married the first time. Ask departing relationship ladies outright what bugs them about you, and what you could do in a new relationship with someone else to fix those problems. You can’t learn from people who only heap praise on you, and then say, “Sorry about that. I have to leave this relationship.” Take a risk and ask the woman: “Exactly how am I blowing it? Please tell me the truth.”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I went to visit my relatives overseas for the better part of a month and my wife took a surprise trip to see her relatives in Vancouver. Unfortunately, she had one date, or maybe more, with a younger man. I promised to be true to her when I was away, although I did have some old girlfriends back home who are now free and friends of mine on Facebook. I told my wife I would just see them for tea and kept my promise.

My wife, however, was secretly mad and took off during that time, ostensibly to see her family. Someone from my branch office in Vancouver, who knows my wife by sight, saw her out with a younger guy on a patio and they were having a grand old time drinking a bottle of wine. She asked if he was my nephew. I don’t have any nephews!

I asked my wife about this guy and she blushed. On further prodding I found out this was a guy she had met in a park. She insisted it was nothing. “We didn’t do anything,” she said. Somehow that still feels way different from having tea with a couple of old flames she already knew about ahead of time. I’m really bothered and jealous about this younger guy, whose name she won’t give up.

Does this mean I can never take holidays separately, even to see my relatives? She doesn’t like my relatives and they don’t like her. We’re both in our late 40s and quite attractive. She says I don’t have a leg to stand on after meeting with three old girlfriends. What do you think?

— Green-Eyed Monster, Winnipeg

Dear Green-Eyed Monster: How do you think your wife felt saying goodbye to you when she knew you were going off home and had lined up three old girlfriends to see? If you truly love your wife, why did you make her jealous and open the door to her having a fling? Did it lessen some of your guilt telling her about the three ladies? No wonder your wife finally got mad and went off to Vancouver. Not surprisingly, she flirted with a guy there.

So, both of you are being foolish. If you lost each other, how would you feel? It’s time to give that serious thought, instead of playing with fire and dealing with the aftermath. From now on you shouldn’t travel without each other for more than a week.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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