Abusive relationship feeling like parents’ marriage

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 01/12/2017 (3161 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a hot-blooded guy and my girlfriend comes from the same background. On occasion, we slap each other’s backsides or faces during an argument, and it is just part of the sexual excitement. But lately it’s been headed somewhere bad. The last time we quarrelled, she picked up a weapon, a metal cake lifter, and hit me across the back as I was leaving the kitchen. My back was bare and it left a floral imprint on my back, which she found funny. It stung like hell, and she laughed and called me a big baby.

Something clicked inside me as she mocked me. My mother used to hit my father with cooking utensils, telephone receivers, anything she could get her hands on, and taunt him with the same phrase. It would terrify me as a child and I would yell at her to not hit him, and run and hide in the closet until the loud sex and making up was over. I often fell asleep. They wouldn’t even come and look for me. I swore I would never be like them, and yet I picked the same kind of hothead woman as my dad did. I feel sick inside. What should I do now?

— Ashamed to Copy What They Did, West End

Dear Ashamed to Copy What They Did: Good! You recognized what you were doing before marrying this copy of your mother and having children. You need to get away from her and get help. A psychologist could help you untie this knot in your mind. You need to expand to realizing there are adventurous women who enjoy positive high excitement, but don’t get nasty and insulting.

You may still crave the elevated emotion, the adrenalin rush, but you can get it in competitive ways where you don’t fight each other with hands and utensils, and terrify the kids. Fun competition can call up the same adrenalin. In the winter you can go skating, skiing and snowboarding. If you and your next lady love turn out to be adventure junkies, consider racing on foot, in race cars and motorcycles, travelling to exotic places and flying airplanes.

Once your life is exciting enough, you won’t need a rough overture for sexual fun. There are bedroom sports you can research as well. And in the best of worlds, kids don’t hear their parents having sex, so hook up a good sound system and make sure your children never go through listening to what you listened to.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is in regards to Feeling Disrespected, who was scared to fly and didn’t want to go on holidays with his girlfriend. I developed an intense fear of flying (and of all heights) when my children were babies. I think this type of anxiety is to be managed, not erased. Everyone has anxiety, and if you watch other passengers during a flight, you’ll see plenty of closed eyes and hands clutching arm rests in fear. The point is, many people have this anxiety and don’t really let on that they are experiencing it.

I have tried books, classes, pills, booze and meditation, but what I have found to be most helpful is to face my feelings and accept I am an anxious flyer. Also, I have Sudoku on my tablet and this has provided distraction for me and has helped greatly. Everyone has anxiety over some issue and no one should be ridiculed for it.

I would say don’t overthink it, accept it as a challenge and don’t let it hold you back from enjoying your life. Anxiety is only anxiety. I have found facing and walking through scary feelings is a much better course of action. Good luck!

— Getting Braver, Manitoba

Dear Getting Braver: This could work for someone with a fear that’s seven or eight out of 10, but a person with a full-blown fear of flying needs more help than that, often including anti-anxiety medication.

I get what you’re saying: fighting the fear of flying is not going to get you completely over it. For you, distractions such as a puzzle help reduce anxiety, but telling yourself you have to completely vanquish the fear is way too much pressure. You’ve learned to cope enough to board a plane and stay on it. You’re one of the lucky ones because your anxiety doesn’t keep you from going on trips with your loved ones.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography