Nothing surprising about being lied to during one-night stand

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 17/03/2018 (3080 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met a good-looking young-ish man at a bar in Winnipeg on the weekend and he spent Saturday night at my house for fun and games, going home about noon the next day. He was great and very sexy. I noted his easy-to-remember home phone number when he gave it to a male friend at the bar, so I called him up today, three days later.

Someone answered the phone, who sounded quite a bit older, and when I asked for him, she asked pointedly, “Who might this be?” The woman told me he was out with his fiancée and wouldn’t be back for a few hours. I said I was an old friend and would call him later. I hung up fast.

So, that guy is engaged, yet he spent the whole night with me and left the next day. And he lives with mommy, who monitors his calls and protects his engagement.

I found him on Facebook and saw his birth date, and saw that he’s eight years younger than I am, and from what I can tell, he’s still going to university, although he told me he’s a bartender. I’m 30 and have been working for five years in my profession. What am I supposed to make of this?

— Jaw On the Floor, Osborne Village

Dear Jaw On the Floor: Don’t make anything out of this. You had a one-night stand with a pleasant, sexy guy who is living with his mom and engaged to someone, possibly younger than you. Who cares? You know the rules of the one-night stand sandbox: play nicely, don’t guilt yourself, don’t apologize and don’t harass.

Remember, if phone numbers are not exchanged or any promises made, don’t expect anything other than the one-night stand. Just look back once in a long while and enjoy the moments of fun you had together, and let it go otherwise. Hopefully, his fiancée was out playing around that Saturday night, too!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I had a horrible night with my ex-girlfriend. We snuck out together to try to make up and talked until 3 a.m. We were both ended up being miserable and nothing was accomplished, but no matter what our differences are, we still love each other.

We have been to counselling, so don’t try sending us back there. I have always believed she was the one, even after we broke up. If she is and I marry my new girlfriend, she can only be a bride who is second best. Now what? I still love No. 1.

— Going Crazy, St. Norbert

Dear Going Crazy: Don’t beat yourself up over a flawed theory. There can be more than one No. 1-calibre love. If you moved to France, Australia or Hong Kong next week, do you think you could never find love again? Of course you could! That’s how this world stays so populated. There are great matches for people all over the place. You can say to yourself this old love was a No. 1-calibre match, but comes with problems. Another woman might be a No. 1-calibre match without problems, which would be good for you and for any kids you might have.

This old attraction you have is strong, but it just doesn’t work, just like a great looking pair of new boots you love, but they give you blisters on your toes. You can’t walk any distance in them. By the way, the girl you snuck away from to see this old girlfriend is not of the calibre you’re seeking or you wouldn’t have tried to get back with the first one. Time to look for door No. 3.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I am asexual. I have no interest in having sex with anybody. I have nothing against it for other people who have the urge. I don’t think it’s creepy or anything, I just don’t want it. I am fun and affectionate, kind and I love people, but sex is like squid to me. Other people may find it intriguing and want to try it, and even enjoy it, but I’ll have the salad, please.

I’ve tried to explain this to people and they look at me blankly. Or, if it’s a woman, she’ll ask sympathetically if I had a bad experience as a child. Nope, I didn’t. I’m just not interested. Does everybody have to be interested?

My friends have suggested I get tested. For what? There’s nothing wrong with me. I just don’t want to experience sex, even as an experiment, and I don’t want kids. I love my work, sports, friends and hobbies. Sex doesn’t disgust me or interest me.

As for affection, I don’t mind a hug once in a while, but my cats are not that affectionate, and that’s just fine with all of us. Why won’t people get off my back? And don’t suggest a support group of other asexuals. It’s a non-issue for me.

— Happy Being Asexual, Winnipeg

Dear Happy Being Asexual: Your only problem is getting other people off your back, so you need a line to give them that stops them from proceeding and changes the topic. How about this: “I’m 100 per cent happy being exactly the way I am. Can you say that about yourself? Come on, let’s talk about something more interesting.” Then change the subject in a firm but friendly voice to an interest you both have in common.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography