Holy moly! Flirty guy at church is married

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This article was published 20/03/2018 (3094 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met a man in my church and thought he was single. He flirted with me and got me so interested in him, we became inseparable on Sundays.

Finally, I asked him out for coffee nearby after church and he said he couldn’t because it wouldn’t look right if anyone saw us because he is married. I almost fell off the pew. I had no idea he was married! He doesn’t wear a ring and he never told me.

He never mixes with the people at church.

For some reason, he zeroed in on me — a single woman, alone, with no rings at all.

He started coming to church every Sunday early and would change seats to sit beside me. It turns out he goes to church alone because his wife is of another faith.

I feel hurt, disappointed and fooled. He swears he told me he was married in the beginning and I must have conveniently forgotten. The nerve! I said I wouldn’t forget a thing like that. He said he was lonely at church and needed a friend. Last week, I sat so far from him, he could barely see me. I was so sad and miserable I almost caved and went to him. Do I have to change churches? — Uncomfortable at My Church, Downtown

Dear Uncomfortable at My Church: You don’t have to change churches, but you do need to attach to some small groups within your church and get to know a number of other people so you aren’t so alone yourself. Start sitting with other people or even bring a friend or two for a few weeks. Don’t be surprised if he finds another single woman to sit with him very quickly.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I found out my wife is cross-dressing when she’s out of town. I’m shocked. She has a man’s suit stashed away in a basement closet. My wife looks mannish: she has very short hair, wears glasses and has a lean body. I picked up the suit and walked upstairs with it and she turned around, from the sink. I asked her who had the new man’s suit hanging in the back of the basement closet. She kind of slumped and hung her head and admitted it was hers. She said she wears it in other cities when she travels for work.

I asked what it means for us and she said she didn’t know, but still loves me and needs to get out of her clothes when she travels. “I’m not totally comfortable being a woman,” she said. Then we hugged and we both cried for a long time. She says no amount of counselling is going to change that feeling she’s had since childhood. She just tries to bury it. I don’t know where to go from here. I feel devastated. — Husband In Shock, Winnipeg

Dear Husband In Shock: Some people cross-dress only when they’re away and that can go on for decades. It’s a situation of taking it when you can get it, getting out of that feminine shell whenever she can.

It sounds like you care very much for your wife.

Maybe you can talk it through and let her experiment, keeping your relationship top of mind.

Don’t let this be a deal breaker, if possible. If you do end up splitting, do it with mutual respect and understanding.

If you throw up your hands and walk away without even trying to work it out, then everybody gets hurt. Your wife may not be transgender, but dressing up out-of-town may give her some comfort in that she can express the hidden side of herself.

For specialized counselling, go to the Rainbow Resource Centre (204-474-0212) and at least gain insight into what your wife is going through and ways for both of you to handle this situation.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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