Daughter worried mom’s new man could be another sucker

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This article was published 31/03/2018 (3079 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother has fallen for a younger man. He’s older than I am by only 10 years. I’m not worried about her feelings so much as his: he absolutely adores her. She looks the same age as he is, through the help of modern medicine, and she’s charming enough to get any man she wants. I don’t know why he doesn’t notice that’s she been married twice already to wealthy men, and gotten nice settlements.

In his favour, he has a lot of money himself, works in the family business for fun and is free to take her on holidays. I’ve met his whole family and I can see this man’s silver-haired dad knows what my mom’s about. He didn’t make that kind of money by being a fool. I foresee the trouble ahead and don’t know what to do. I feel like I need to protect my mom’s current boyfriend somehow. He’s a sweetheart.

— Strange Situation, Winnipeg

Dear Strange Situation: Maybe your mom’s toying with this younger man, or maybe she really loves him. It could certainly be, as you fear, she’s angling to marry this guy as her No. 3. Her boyfriend can do the math, and if he’s having a problem with lust blindness, his sharp-eyed dad will warn him. Not that it will do much good if the son is determined, but you can be sure his dad will see there’s a strong pre-nup in order to protect his family’s money.

Your job at this point is to shake your head and smile. Mom will do what she wants to do — there is nothing you can do stop her and protect this fellow. You were old enough to write this mature letter (I’m guessing you’re 20 to 30) and he’s 10 years older than you are: an adult with a rich dad looking out for his back and the family fortune. Just let it play out and focus on your own life. Love your mom and keep out of things. Save your energy. There may be three more husbands ahead.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband is alive and well, thank goodness, but my best friend’s husband died last year. Now she’s jealous of me, and often starts a conversation by telling me how much she envies me because my husband is still alive. (Guilting me!) Then she points out how much my husband was just like hers. Yes, we had a lot of good years, the four of us, chumming and travelling together. I want to stay her friend, but she’s making it very hard with her jealousy of my romance with my guy and the two of us doing things on our own.

She sometimes asks if she can tag along to dinners, but quickly she gets the conversation around to reminiscing about when her husband was alive. Then the tears trickle down her cheeks and my husband will put his arm around her, and then she’ll sometimes turn her head in and cry on his shoulder. I feel jealous then, and I hate that feeling. I’m getting to the point where I don’t enjoy her company this way, and I certainly don’t enjoy sharing my husband’s shoulders with her. What do you suggest?

— Losing Patience, St. Vital

Dear Losing Patience: Stop doing the threesome dinners where your husband becomes her stand-in husband. Instead, set yourself up as her “reconnection counsellor.” Push her to get into general fun activities and also personal grief counselling and a support group.

Adventure for Successful Singles’ 10-week session called Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends starts on April 9. It’s based on the famous book and course by Bruce Fisher. It’s for people who have lost their mate to marital breakdown or death. For more info, call 204-981-8643. The group’s bereavement dinner group called Group of Friends meets monthly at the Viscount Gort, but not as a support group, more as a social group composed of people who understand what it’s like to lose a mate. Most people in the group are in their 50s to 70s.

A good place for you and your friend to stay pals would be to get into activities such as quilting, gardening, karaoke or choirs. Then there are sports such as baseball, golfing or pickleball (easy on the body). The Meet Up Winnipeg group online at meetup.com offers all kinds of group activities for people with the same interests, no matter their marital status.

Get your friend’s blood stirring with fun activities this spring instead of letting her go on obsessing on her grief and being jealous of your husband.

For lunches, get her together with you and a friend or two, and interrupt her if it looks like she’s headed for the grief topic, by saying, “Up-topics please, everyone, we’re eating and having fun.”

As for her crying on your husband, tell her when you’re alone that it makes you uncomfortable when she cries on his shoulder. She’ll know you mean “jealous,” and if she still asks for an explanation of your feelings, say the ugly J-word outright.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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