Hubby sideswiped by wife’s secret love note

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 15/09/2018 (2934 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I was doing the washing when I found a note in my wife’s jeans, addressed to her, with the words “Dearest Darling.” It was from a another woman who signed a nickname, and it was way too mushy a letter to be a platonic friend.

I’ve always thought I was very liberal. I remember before we were married, my wife once asked me if I’d be jealous if a woman was chasing her. I laughed and said, “A woman? No. She doesn’t have the equipment to please you.”

Well, now I don’t feel like laughing. This note was emotional and erotic. It was on lined paper, all crumpled up, like my wife had been carrying it around for awhile. She used to carry love notes from me around in her pockets when we were first dating. I thought it was cute, and it stroked my ego. But, I don’t like where this is going in my mind, and my stomach feels sick. Please help me. 

— Sideswiped By Lover’s Note

Dear Sideswiped: What did you do with the note? If you still have it, you might show it to your wife. Don’t say anything, just watch her face for her true reaction. Then ask her to tell you what’s going on.

It may turn out she’s bisexual and thought she’d get a secret reading on woman-to-woman relationships before she married you. Bisexual doesn’t mean 50/50, all the time, by the way. She may have had a small interest in women before she met you, and then your relationship took all the room in her heart. But now, down the road a bit, she may have found a new female interest that could be big or small.

What you’re seeing in the note is not your wife’s feelings, but what this lady friend was feeling. Your wife may not return the attaction — although it’s suspicious she’s carrying the note around.

If you don’t have the guts for a showdown, see a relationship counsellor for some clarity on the road ahead, and coaching on how to bring up this explosive subject.

Whatever exists between your wife and this woman isn’t going to change one iota until you start talking about it. The romance may be one-sided, or it may be an ongoing love relationship.

Keeping quiet is only making you sick and possibly allowing a second relationship grow. It’s time to face reality, with counselling help. 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Our old dog died recently. I’m still grieving, but my kids and my wife just said, “Let’s get another one!” as if it was a toy to be replaced.  I am grieving that dog like a family member. I called my wife “heartless” last night when she was hammering at me to get a new dog. She went to the bedroom crying.

I said, through the locked door: “Do what you want then!” She went out that night with the kids and got another dog — same breed — from the same people we bought our dog from years ago. It’s eerie having a “replacement dog.” I just don’t want to warm up to him. I can’t digest this. Please help.

— Grieving Dog Father, Charleswood

Dear Grieving: At first, it’s OK to keep some distance, except for a polite pat or two to appease the family. Just let yourself heal inside. It won’t be long until you realize this new pup has a different personality. Just because he has the same colouring, doesn’t mean he’s just like the old dog.

A pup will soon win you over all by himself. He’s just a big baby after all, and your old dog wouldn’t want you to be cold or mean to a puppy. So let this little dog come over and warm up to you on his own, and don’t actively push him away.

You can continue to visit your old dog’s gravesite, sit there and even talk to him, until you don’t need to anymore. That can be your private act of remembering.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My second wife is way different from my first wife. My first wife was very expansive and loving and sexual, and she made me feel smothered to death. She divorced cold, old me. My new wife is cooler, and I feel like I have more room to breathe. But, does that mean she doesn’t really love me so much? 

— Insecure Guy, Osborne Village

Dear Insecure: Some people have a big cup of love to give, others have a trickle, a stream, a lake, or an ocean. If that person gives you all their love — whatever it is — and you’re comfortable with it, then you have a workable situation and they really do love you enough. In this new relationship, you won’t be labelled “cold” — maybe shy or reserved. Nothing bad about that. 

Got problems in your personal life? Email Miss Lonelyhearts for help at lovecoach@hotmail.com.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography