Formal sked can even up hectic parental duties

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 14/05/2020 (2285 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband and I, who are business professionals, have spent a lot of time together in the last two months, both working and living at home with our two small kids.

Oddly enough, he seems to think the children — who gravitate to me — are my job, “as their mother.” I tell him over and over again that I am a “parent” and so is he. I find he’s just leaning back and enjoying the fact they will always try to access me first, so he doesn’t have to provide primary care.

But get this! I am able to do more billable work than he is from home, so if I am free to work enough, we bring in more money from my desk on the main floor. My husband is blithely occupying the sunny third-floor office in our house and never comes down the stairs to see what’s up when one of the kids is crying. It doesn’t help they know that mom is more sympathetic than dad.

Last night we had a loud fight, which the kids overheard, unfortunately. I told my husband since we can’t hire someone to come into the house to take up his child-care slack, he’ll have to move his office down to the main floor and start doing at least his half. I was so mad I finally pointed out I’m bringing in more than half of the money, and that hit a sore spot. He’s barely talking to me now, the big baby! He said he’s not moving his office downstairs. Now that he’s being so cranky, the kids are wanting his attention even less. I don’t know what to do!

— Tearing My Hair Out, North Kildonan 

Dear Tearing Hair: It’s time for an actual work and child-care schedule that takes into account the slower and busier hours for each of you. Unfortunately, little kids are up and busy from early morning to evening, so you’ll have a 12- to 14-hour schedule to work on. Your husband can’t so easily ignore his 50 per cent if it’s right there on a chart you create together.

Some prime-time work periods will conflict, so you’ll have to divvy up those choice working hours.

Child care, as you know, doesn’t have to mean being in the house all day going nuts. Make sure some of this schedule includes supervised outdoor play, car rides and pre-organized drive-by trips to relatives’ homes where you can stop and chat from the car at a safe distance. And you both need breaks to rest. Good luck!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This wonderful man and I have met online and are quite crazy about each other. Luckily, he lives across the ocean in Ireland. We certainly couldn’t be trusted together in the same country to stay at any safe physical distance! Although it’s a little frustrating sometimes, we have found ways and means of being intimate online, and calls can go on for an hour or so.

My kids are in their late teens and live at home. They chat with my sweetheart and want to meet him. He’s a business owner (I checked him out early on) and a sportsman, and is divorced with kids in their 20s. I have spoken to them on the phone, too.

This is not a light flirtation. We are in love with each other, as much as we can be, so far apart, and want to be together in a big way.

The question is when can we book the first get-together, in Ireland or here? Not knowing is much harder than having a flight booked and anticipating the trip, even if it’s many months away. What do you suggest in the meantime? All systems are go, but it could be months and months and months yet.

— Such Torture, Winnipeg

Dear Torture: Expand your communication, so it’s as if he’s here visiting and meeting people. Take him with you out of the house by using your smartphone. Go on drives, stop and give him guided pictorial tours of different part of your world. You can also text photos when you are chatting. There are many things you can do to connect with him and his world outside of regular phone or FaceTime chats, and those additions will make the time go faster.

When it’s possible, consider booking two trips: the first one to visit him, so you can come home early if it’s all been a big mistake, and a second one here in Canada in good weather if the romance is working out well.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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