It means more to show it than say it

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 17/05/2020 (2329 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR READERS: In a recent column I asked for ideas for expressing and receiving words of love for people who have had rough experiences and don’t trust the old phrase “I love you” anymore — if they ever did. Here is a reader’s excellent response.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve learned that showing unconditional acceptance and support of your loved one is more meaningful than wanting to say or hear the words. Consistent understanding, I’ve found, works wonders. Enjoying the other person’s gradual softening is the best way to earn loyalty and respect.

Furthermore, waiting to hear a declaration is really beside the point. It’s like waiting for your lover to give you a parade. If you set either of those as markers, how trite. Ditch expectations there are standard stages/timelines to a romance. That’s something we all do when we’re young, and under peer pressure to conform. But artificial goals can destroy a warm, creative togetherness.

Instead, I’ve learned how much fun it is to be patient and enjoy the uniqueness of the process as it unfolds. I agree with you that humour and lightness are indispensable!

— Alternate Ideas, Manitoba

Dear Alternate Ideas: A returned declaration of love is certainly something less than throwing a parade, but for the person who’s been badly burned, it may seem about that tough!

In the case of someone who has been abused, or loved-and-left, they may need the first expressions of caring with no expectations of an “I love you” response back. They may feel warm and excited about a new person they’re seeing, but can’t get the words out because the last time did, they got clobbered emotionally in the end.

Some people mistake the hot feelings of “I really like you, and feel very attracted” for love. Some extremely hurt people have to get to the brink of a breakup with the new sweetheart, who doesn’t feel loved by them and is ready to bolt, before they can squeak the L-word out.

In the old days, people didn’t say it much except at their weddings or in times of upset or high sexual excitement. Now it’s much more common to express love, and some people now say “Love you!” instead of goodbye, to their intimates and kids.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My aunt is a wild woman, my mom says. Auntie is 31. She is the baby of my mom’s family. My mom is 40. Auntie told us kids she’s NEVER getting married! She works a lot and has her own apartment and is saving for school. I asked her why she wouldn’t have kids, and she said it’s because she wants to be a doctor by the time she’s my mother’s age.

She told us she doesn’t have time for a husband and bratty kids! I said, “We’re not bratty.” She said she was sorry she said that, and that we were different.

I want to be a doctor, too. Tell me if you can be a woman doctor and still have time for kids.

— Worried About It, Winnipeg

Dear Niece: Yes, you can do it all. My sister is a doctor and had four kids with her husband. The family also has had a good supply of dogs and cats. I brought up two active boys and with different pets and I have always had a busy career I love. It can be done happily, but there’s no denying it’s lots of work!

It might be harder for your auntie to go to school in her 30s and start having babies at the same time. You might want to start a career as a doctor in your mid to late 20s before you get into making a family. The early route is to study hard in high school and take science courses in university to get a first degree, and then go to medical school as soon as you can get in. Good luck with your plans!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Three weeks ago I ran into an old neighbour in my new apartment block who turns out to be single again. I remember his young wife being a piece of work — loud, swore a lot, party girl.

On the weekend, I dropped in at my parents, and I mentioned it to my dad who said quietly, “Well he chose that piece of work, and he was a match for her!” and then my mom shushed him.

This single guy is disgustingly good-looking now. I swear he came out of that marriage and went straight to the gym. I’m single now too and, wow, I wouldn’t mind going out with a guy who looked like that.

I asked my mom why she shushed my dad and she said, “Your dad knows more about that relationship than he should tell.” What do you think about this?

— Curiosity is UP, Downtown

Dear Curiosity: Stay away from this hottie! Something bad went on in the relationship with him and his wife, and both were bad actors. My guess is your father sensed the attraction in your voice, and was warning you away, as a good parent should. Your mother knows the story too, and didn’t want to go into details. Just consider this a warning of relationship quicksand. This is not a time to be rebellious to your parents!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.