Open communication may iron out kinks

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 18/05/2020 (2268 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I left a pair of my high heels in my boyfriend’s bedroom. We had been dressing up, for sexual variation, in wild outfits and even Halloween costumes over the last month. We were trying to get through the boredom of being unable to go out. He and I form a little bubble of two, so we have both his place and mine.

Last night, he surprised me by wearing stockings and a garter belt that were not mine (likely his). I was not turned on. I freaked out, demanded my high heels back and went home.

Now what? All our experiments have come to a silent, very awkward halt. He feels embarrassed and I feel turned off. What can we do? I think we still love each other. Well, maybe.

— Everything’s Shaky, St. James

 

Dear Shaky: The problem with surprising your lover with a fantasy you haven’t discussed, is it can be great, boring… or shocking in a bad way. His experiment turned out to be embarrassing for both of you.

You may have had some things on your list that would have freaked him out, but he ran into trouble first. Maybe this was just a one-time joke for him to make you giggle. At least have a talk about it, and be honest about your own list of experiments, which might even things up.

 

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother left me in a store when I was little, and she wandered off to look at something. I was lost for a good half-hour, panicking and then hiding in among some clothes in a rack.

When somebody heard me crying and they got me back to mom, she yelled at me and spanked me hard in front of everyone — as if it was my fault she’d left me alone in the big store. As a result of this trauma, I’m terrified to go into large department stores.

Wouldn’t you know it, I fall in love with a guy who loves going to malls and shopping in stores — to relax.

The first time he wanted to go, I took a sedative and went with him, but my heart was racing and I threw up in the washroom. I needed to get out of there, and ran back to the car.

I think I love this man. He knows my childhood story and wants me to get over my phobia. What should I do?

— Terrified of Big Department Stores, South Winnipeg

Dear Terrified: Psychologists and psychiatrists are equipped to help people get over phobias like fear of flying, and many other things or situations.

Your mall fear is twofold. Being lost was one thing, but then it was accompanied by a big shaming incident in front of strangers. The combo is treatable, and really worthwhile working through. Conquering this fear will make the rest of your life happier, and you will feel less limited.

Call your doctor and get a recommendation of a good person to see or to talk with by phone or online, in light of the need for physical distancing now. Depending on your job situation during the pandemic, this could be a more relaxed time to work out this complicated problem.

 

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve never been happy about the way I look. I’ve always been conservative to please my Mennonite parents. Then I went away to school in Winnipeg and dressed how I wanted, and it turns out I have wild taste.

Under my clothes, I actually have tattoos now. My hair is short and asymmetric, and when I’m in the city I dye it many different colours.

It was working out being one person in the city and another on visits to the country, but my mom came to the city a couple months ago without telling me and we ran into each other at a grocery store in my neighbourhood.

My bangs were bright purple that day and I was wearing funky clothes and had a tiny diamond in my nose. I waited outside. All mom said to me was “Don’t EVER let your father see you like this!” and off she went. I’ve talked to her on the phone since, but she won’t say anything “because HE is always here.” What should I do?

— The Outsider, Winnipeg

 

Dear Outsider: Next time you phone, tell your mom to call you when she’s alone. If she doesn’t do that, and you know her well enough to know she’s trying to freeze you out, write her and state that. Tell her you love her and hope she will come around, because this is how you are going to be dressing in the city. You’ll tone it down a little for the country.

Right now she’s got you begging, so leave it alone after that, and she may miss you finally and make a move. She loves you, but right now she’s trying to impose her will on you, using dad.

 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.