It will take hard work to end legacy of insecurity

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This article was published 15/10/2020 (2134 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a pretty secure marriage — this time — but I still doubt it! I don’t know what to do about my deeply rooted insecurity.

I’m afraid I will ruin this marriage, like I did my first one. I accused my first husband of cheating when he was not stepping out at all.

My pathetic questioning with my new husband shows I don’t believe any man can love me as much as I love him.

My parents’ relationship was like that. My mother was always dithering over whether my dad would approve of things she did or what we kids wanted to do. She acted like dad was the king, but she was not the queen.

When I was 18, I asked my dad, during a fight, if he actually loved my mother or if he really wanted a different kind of woman.

He said, to my surprise, “I love her the way she is and always will. But your mom doesn’t love herself as much as I love her.” He said her parents had caused that problem, and he couldn’t fix it. What an incredibly sad situation!

I ended up telling my mother what my dad said, and she cried. I think she was “crying for happy” or maybe crying for so much lost time spent being insecure. She stopped acting so needy and stopped worrying so much about my dad’s opinion on everything after that.

You’d think I would have learned, but unfortunately I still inherited that insecurity from her and it’s ruined all my own relationships. What do you suggest for me? — Plagued by the Same Thing, West Kildonan

Dear Plagued: When you’re faced with a problem that’s being passed from one generation to the next, you need major help to stop it.

A psychologist or psychiatrist can dig deeply into this problem during a series of regular visits. You will feel better and this could stop damage from recurring for you in this new marriage — and for any children you might have.

You don’t pay out of pocket for psychiatrists in our health-care system, but the waiting lists can be long and you need a doctor’s referral. You can call a psychologist on your own and make appointments.

Do you have group insurance from work, or can you afford visits on your own by pooling resources with your husband? It’ll be so much better for him, too, when you no longer doubt his love.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I write regarding the couple with an issue of two beds versus one. My wife and I were disturbing each other with our tossing and turning during the night. This happens in any size bed, including king-size, which you suggested.

We bought two single beds and pushed them together to make the size of a king. You can arrange them so the split between mattresses is not overly noticeable.

By using two mattresses, tossing and turning does not affect the other partner and we have the best of both worlds. We have done this for many years and love it. — Sleeping Well, Lindenwoods

Dear Sleeping Well: Single beds pushed together need to be firm and absolutely flat on the sides and in the middle, or it won’t take the fairy-tale princess who felt the pea to detect the crack between the mattresses.

How about two of the larger, modern doubles with very flat sides pushed together? That’s the end of the tossing and turning problem, and doubles allow enough room to make love comfortably on either side.

But there’s no doubt a king is still better for cuddling, which often leads to spontaneous lovemaking. The couple who wrote in got two beds, and the frequency of lovemaking dropped dramatically. They really needed to be back in the same bed!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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