Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My accountant wife wants to get rid of our new twin double beds. She’s very upset. She says she’s kept count of how many times we’ve made love in the three months since we got separate beds, and we’re down by 60 per cent. My wife’s always been a person who counts everything, so I wasn’t surprised at the statistic. I was embarrassed and ashamed, though.
She’s from a religious family and I taught her to enjoy sex, although she still can’t initiate it. I was pleased to hear she missed it, but I felt badly. She could never bring herself to jump on my bed and just demand the loving she wanted and needed! So it was all on me, and I failed her.
The thing is, I was getting really good sleeps having my own bed. Maybe we should push the two double beds together, so she doesn’t disturb me when I’m sleeping but she’s still near enough for me to reach for her. What do you think about that? She is being really quiet after her outburst. I don’t want to blow it twice.
— Clueless Love Partner, Fort Garry
Dear Clueless: Shoving the two separate beds together, with a crack in the middle, is not going to cut it.
What you really need is one king-sized bed for you and your lady. Like most women, she wants and needs some cuddling and foreplay so desire builds and the lovemaking is natural. In one giant bed, you have enough room for cuddling and sleeping in any position, but you’re still in the same warm bed for spontaneous combustions!
Also teach her some subtle moves she can make when she’s in the mood for making love that will give you the hint. It should be a personal code — something she can do at any time of the day or evening, privately or with company, that alerts you to get ready to make love later on.
Even if she can’t reach over and make the first move, she can signal with code. It should be warm and receptive, maybe something like fanning her face with her hand as if it’s warm in the room.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband’s sister told him she’s dying of loneliness since her husband died and she’s alone in the big house. She asked about moving into our vacant basement suite, and offered to be our cook and housekeeper. He told me the idea, and I screamed, "No! We just got rid of the kids!"
He pointed out that I hate cooking and housekeeping, and he does, too. I also have a business I’m trying to save, and the house is always a wreck.
Then I lost it. I said, "You don’t get it! I don’t want her seeing my mess and cleaning it up every day. I don’t want your favourite sister sailing around the sparkling-clean house and taking credit."
And, Miss L., I also don’t want her to hear everything we have to say to each other unless we go in a bedroom and shut the door. I don’t want our private lives gossiped about.
My husband just glared at me. He said he didn’t know I "hated" his sister that much and stomped out. He gave me the dirtiest look I can remember, and said, "I’ll let her know she’s not welcome to come live with us!" Help! What should I do next?
— Dumbfounded, Wolseley
Dear Dumbfounded: Encourage your husband to talk to his sister about taking in university or college students, or maybe young working people, as boarders.
She can happily cook and clean the common areas for them. Then she’ll be the real queen of the house, and have fun making nightly dinners and talking with her gang. When the word gets out she’s offering a great situation, her big house will fill up fast.
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Each year, the Free Press publishes more than 1,000 letters to Miss Lonelyhearts and her responses to the life and relationship questions that come her way.