Ex-partner’s insecurities are the real roadblock

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This article was published 24/01/2021 (2086 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m 28 and a nice guy, but I’m depressed after a heartbreaking Christmas holiday I can’t seem to get over.

I was dating this guy for about six months before we broke up on Boxing Day and I really loved him — still do. He made me feel special, but any time he found out I had been communicating with other guys, even as a group, he got jealous.

The breakup wasn’t even about something recent. He dragged up another old fight about my hanging out with some of my male friends when he wasn’t there, and what he thought we must have been doing — which was so not true.

The sad part is I still miss him so badly, and it’s been a month. How can I get him back and show him he can trust me? — Called Guilty, But No Proof, Osborne Village

Dear Called Guilty: It’s not about you needing to prove that you’re trustworthy. It’s about your ex-partner’s insecurity, and his jealousy.

Until he gets his insecurity problem fixed by a professional, your relationship will continue to limp and collapse with each new fight over new jealousies.

He needs therapy or counselling which is available safely by phone with many psychologists or relationship counsellors during COVID times.

You could offer to attend an online meeting or two with the three of you contributing, once he has gone for a time. But first you need to see commitment from his side, and that he’s really getting into the counselling seriously.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: There is a nerd at work who clearly likes me, but I don’t see him in a romantic light. Because we are in a modern online work situation, and we can’t just openly hit on people, he’s subtly suggestive every day. He reworks his ideas on how pretty he thinks I am, in daily messages.

I wish he would just leave me alone so I could work, unbothered. Because we’re both at home, at least I don’t have to deal with him hanging out at my desk anymore.

Is there a decent way to let him know how I feel? I hate writing anything difficult in print. Should I call him and lie and say I have a boyfriend just to get him off my back? — Fed Up with Romeo, Winnipeg

Dear Fed Up: No need to lie! Instead, tell this office Romeo you are totally against workplace romances and his messages are crossing the line, both in content and in frequency.

Underscore the fact you’d like to be friendly and co-operative with everyone at work, and will continue to be that way, but need him to dial it down to a level comfortable for you.

That message is clear and business-like and can’t get you into any trouble. If it doesn’t have any effect, talk to your supervisor.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother is giving me a hard time about grandchildren — the ones my wife and I don’t want. We want to live our lives child-free.

It’s a choice, and it doesn’t mean people like us don’t like kids — we just don’t want to raise any. We have even had my brother’s kids over for weekends on our little hobby farm. We just don’t want the permanent deal.

We love our careers, sports, travelling and having a lively sex life at home. I almost told my mom to shut up the other night when she got quite insulting about it, for the 10th time.

What can I say to her to get her to give up on us? — Battle-weary Son, Windsor Park

Dear Battle Weary: You must call an end to the battle! Be strong about it. Tell your mom you’re not going to discuss the issue again and again, and that she’ll only be talking to herself if she brings it up again.

Also, suggest she get involved in some children’s charities, sporting or arts activities if she wants more kids in her life.

When she does try to bring up wanting grandchildren again, remind her nicely that the topic is closed, but redirect her, with interest, to her efforts to get involved with children’s groups.

That way you bless her for her grandmotherly instincts, and get the spotlight off you and onto her.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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