Suss out what’s knocked sex life out of sync

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This article was published 23/01/2021 (2081 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’ve been happily married for 20 years, and my wife is the love of my life. I just wish we could improve the frequency of our intimacy in the bedroom. It changed after kids, more than 15 years ago. If we have sex once a month, I’m lucky. This doesn’t seem to bother her, but I wish we could be intimate more often.

As a side note, I’m always the one initiating sex, despite asking her to sometimes get things going. She feels it’s the man’s job. How can we increase the amount of sex and how can I encourage her to initiate it, so I don’t feel like I’m the only one interested? — Frequency Problem With My Wife, Manitoba

Dear Frequency Problem: Why is she not interested? What changed 15 long years ago? Unless you are brave enough to dig for the answers to these questions, and are prepared to accept the answers (which may hurt your feelings), all you can do is keep repeating the pattern that keeps you dancing two feet apart. Usually, one or both partners doesn’t want to insult the other and possibly break up the marriage and whole family, so they “zip it” for the greater good.

Often, the reluctance to have sex starts from a change in attractiveness — one or both partners are embarrassed when naked and thus inhibited — particularly women after having children. Other women might feel pain when they have sex and may need to see a gynecologist. Some men develop paunches and bodies they aren’t proud of, or they get so excited about finally having sex it’s over way before their partner can be satisfied.

Other times, one or both partners may have dropped an insulting comment during a fight way-back-when that they don’t even remember — a remark that hurt and turned off their partner. Other times, one or both partners have a secret love/sex interest outside the marriage and are quite satisfied with them.

You say you’re still with the love of your life. Does she feel the same way? It’s time to stop doing what doesn’t work, which is 15 years of chasing your wife around the bed. Seeing a counsellor together and separately could help unearth blocks to sexual passion in a marriage and help dissolve them.

Relationship counsellors are quite willing to work with people privately by phone at first and then together on a program like Zoom where you all get together.

It’s good you’re finally fed up and wanting to change the status quo to get closer again sexually. Since this is the love of your life, you stand a good chance of making a breakthrough.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend — we’re in our 30s already — needs a holiday, and we can’t go to Mexico like we do every year. I suggested we rent a cabin around Lake Winnipeg or he could go fishing with the one brother who’s in his bubble. My guy said, “What’s the point of Lake Winterpeg? There’s no beach, no sun and no ocean!”

This is what I’m dealing with — a grown man wearing blinders. All he can imagine is his beloved Mexico. I have to tell you he’s driving me nuts — he’s here at home way too much, and becoming quite the big whiny baby.

Then I suggested he get out on the cross-country ski trails. He said, “Lady, it sounds like you’re just trying to get rid of me!” I was so fed up I said, “Yeah! You’re becoming a tiresome pain in the butt!”

That’s all it took. He has his own place, but he’s been staying me since the early days of COVID. He up and left, kit and caboodle, as my mom used to say, packing up two suitcases and slamming out the door. I threw his boots out after him, and then broke down and cried for about an hour. And then, surprisingly, it was done.

Now he’s back in his lonely old place. I guess he thought I’d still be crying, so he phoned to make up, and I said, “I’ll have to think about it. It’ll take me about two minutes… OK, bye!” Click!

I haven’t heard from him since. What now? I’ve realized fairly quickly this wasn’t “forever love” but his company was better than nothing in a lockdown. — All Alone, Fort Richmond

Dear All Alone: Would you like to be asked back, because it’s a lockdown and you’re the best woman a guy can find in a hurry? What’s done is done now. It would be mean to move him back in, and then back out as soon as COVID restrictions ease up.

If you settle into a kind of friendship, you could still date him if you’ll both be true to each other, to stay safe. Or, you can just be brave and call it quits entirely and get through the months (a few, or many) until dating freedom time.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I think Blurting Problem already knows blurters should think more before they speak. You told him to ask himself beforehand if his answers would be useful or just hurtful. But it’s remembering before they’ve hurt someone’s feelings that’s the problem for blurters.

I’ve done the same plenty of times and following a mid-life diagnosis of ADHD, I’ve learned how these problems are often related. Since “Blurting” suggests they have had other problems at school as well, it might be worth looking into. — Recovering Blurter, St. James

Dear Recovering Blurter: I agree with you — it’s good point to investigate. But the blurter also needs a technique ASAP.

One suggestion: Use the same stalling phrase every time, such as, “Give me a minute, please,” so it becomes their little habit — and friends expect and welcome it.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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