Time to face fact that spark has been extinguished

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 08/02/2021 (2024 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My girlfriend says if I don’t smarten up, she won’t give me the watch she bought for me. By that, she means the Apple one I’ve been wanting forever. By “smartening up” she means having sex with her more than once a week, and I just don’t feel like it.

I haven’t broken up with her, because it took me so long to find a girlfriend, and I was lonely. I’m kind of nerdy. But now I’m sick and tired of her bossing me, so I “forget” to have sex with her. She wants to nail this relationship down, get married and have kids before it’s too late. She’s 34. I’m 29.

Making love with her is a bit like going to the gym. You know you should go three times a week, but you don’t feel like it.

I don’t think she has ever really liked sex with me, but I do make a lot of money, and her parents like me. I do like sex — but not so much with her. She treats me like her servant. I feel kind of guilty because I’ve taken up three of her last baby-making years, and I’m dragging my feet about an engagement.

When she made that crack about the watch, I said to myself: “And you’re not getting a diamond out of me!” What do you think Miss L.?

— Unhappy “Valentine,” Southdale

Dear Unhappy: There is a lot of “unhappy” in your letter and not much “Valentine.” This is companionship at best. Certainly there’s no erotic feeling in you, and you need that in good supply before babies and busy family times come along.

Simply put, you’re wasting each other’s precious time. It’s gotten down to disrespecting each other, not admiring.

She’s giving you ultimatums to “smarten up.” But sex is not about proper behaviour, or owing anyone anything. It’s usually about being turned on, really liking or loving someone, and wanting to please them.

It seems your present girlfriend and her parents would like to see a match, especially since you could support their daughter and afford having children. That’d be a big mistake! Now’s the time to dissolve this relationship, get some counselling around your lack of self-esteem, and then set out to find real love.

Valentine’s week can sometimes turn out to be a showdown week for couples and there are lots of breakups as well as engagements. Don’t feel too guilty. A dominant woman like this will be determined enough to find a new marriage candidate faster than you’d think. At 29, there’s no hurry. You have lots of time to find real love.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m 18 and an artist, and I’m doing a Valentine’s painting for my boyfriend with lots of love symbolism.

My older brother came into my room, looked at it, and said, “That’s looks lame as hell!” I don’t think so, and he hasn’t a clue what anything means — but it made me feel insecure, and I cried. But my brother never likes any boyfriend I’ve ever had. He’s worse than my father for that!

I need to work and paint in a space where I’m not criticized, but my mom won’t let me put a lock on my bedroom “in case of fire.” That’s ridiculous. So I screwed a hook into the doorframe anyway, to keep my brother out.

Now there’s fighting about everything — the lock, my painting, what my brother thinks of it, what everybody thinks — as if it’s any of their business. I want out of living with my family, and suggested I might move in with my boyfriend because he has his own place. Then my mother started crying! What a horrible mess. Please help.

— Needing Privacy or a New Family, Tuxedo

Dear Needing Privacy: Brothers are often critical of their younger sisters’ boyfriends because they think they’re unworthy and their sister might get used, and possibly pregnant.

As much as it isn’t your brother’s business, he loves you and feels protective and you need to talk about that. Your painting may have looked to him like you were too much in love with this boyfriend.

The real reason most parents, particularly mothers, don’t want their teenagers to have locks on their doors, besides fire safety, is they’re afraid of what might go on in there with boyfriends and girlfriends. (Why do you think parents often have locks on their bedroom doors — the only lock in the house other than the bathroom?)

It sounds like it’s time to move out, so you need to work hard and save money if you’re serious. Nobody in your house is going to want to finance that move.

But don’t ask your boyfriend to take you in. When you have inevitable arguments, or it’s gone bad and you want to break up, or you just need a little break to think, you’ll be stuck. It’s far better to move in with girlfriends, because you need more privacy and freedom.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband and I used to go to the same charming little restaurant every Valentine’s Day, where we had our very first date. But that’s no longer possible, because it folded. We’re both very sentimental. We tried to make plans, but also with the COVID-19 restrictions we just ended up shrugging our shoulders. Any ideas for two old romantics like us?

— Waiting for a Miracle, Fort Rouge

Dear Waiting: You could build your own little restaurant scene as close (visually) to the romantic table where you used to sit. Cook the same favourite dishes, light some candles, put on the music and pretend. You might even make up a “welcome” sign with the name of that special little restaurant and hang it inside your door for the night.

If you really want to go all out, make up miniature menus with the dishes being served. Can you find music like you would have heard at that place? It might be a lot of fun to do this, and it’s even more sentimental!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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