Dig deeper to quash your mommy complex

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 04/03/2021 (2001 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met a young blond woman who is uncannily like my mother in interests (long-distance running and fine arts) and sense of humour (goofy and kind of bawdy).

We get along perfectly, but the problem is there’s even a physical resemblance, which turns me off sexually. Don’t get me wrong — she’s beautiful, but she looks like my blond, Dutch-background mother.

This girl has no sexual hang-up with me, as I don’t look anything like her fat old dad with his red beard.

She’s so funny and outspoken (just like my mother), she actually talks about my “mommy problem” getting in the way of our sex life and makes jokes about it.

Last night — to tease me out of it — she showed up at my apartment in a black wig, fake black eyelashes, and black lace bra under her tight dress.

That really made me laugh, but I still said, “Nah, I think we need to just be friends.” Then her face fell, and she started to cry and went home. She’s not taking my calls now. I’m afraid she’s given up on me. I should be relieved, but I’m not. I’m surprised at how much it hurts, and how badly I miss her.

— Not a Mommy Lover, Wolseley

Dear Not a Mommy Lover: So how do you think dating and mating works in parts of the world where the majority of the population share the same hair colour?

Granted, in your case, the girl’s personality is also similar to your mom’s, but, she is her own person, and getting together with her is not even faintly incestuous, which is your underlying fear. She is not a relative of any kind. She’s just a certain type of woman you really get along with.

This young woman bent over backwards to try to jolly you out of your hang-up by wearing that silly black wig and the wicked underwear get-up, and you still rejected her. She’s played her last card.

Since you miss her acutely, phone a psychologist ASAP to get some counselling. If the hang-up resolves for you, get on the phone and explain that fact, and be hopeful this young woman will come back to check out the new you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Before COVID-19 hit, my mother went to Europe to see her family. When she came home, she started talking about how much she wanted to go back: “I want to live out the rest of my time there.”

I understand how she feels — she’s always missed the old country — but she is the grandmother to my children and great-grandmother to their children. They love their grandma because she is nicer to them than she is to grown-ups. Like me, for instance!

Back in the old country, they don’t love her so much either. I have spoken about Mama’s wish to the people we are close to there, and they told me honestly they don’t want to have her back home to look after. She was difficult to please when she was younger, and they think she’s worse now. Certainly, no one wants her to come live with them.

Here in Winnipeg, she actually fits in better, though she doesn’t think so. So, what do we do?

— Grown Daughter in Early 60s, Winnipeg

Dear Grown Daughter: Break it to her gently. Tell her that visiting is still possible, but the folks back home in Europe say they’re overburdened, and can’t take anybody in. She’s got to make the best of it here, and visit there when she can. That may not be too often, but you don’t have to say that. The unvarnished truth can be cruel.

As soon as the virus situation eases up, encourage more regular contact with the grandchildren who love her, and be glad to facilitate visits with her, using your personal taxi service to make it happen.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography