Clumsy, obvious move on pal’s ex nixes friendship

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 06/03/2021 (1998 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My best friend has stopped talking to me because I reached out to her ex to see how he was doing during the pandemic.

He and I always seemed to have a bit of a thing for each other, and I guess my loneliness won over my common sense. We started seeing each other, very discreetly.

Anyway, she found out and now she’s mad at me, even though they haven’t been together for over a year now!

I think she’s being unfair. What do you think? How can I get her to talk to me again? — Former Best Friend, The Maples

Dear Friend: No wonder she dumped you as a friend. Armed with intimate knowledge after a breakup, a “best friend” knows exactly which buttons to push to get close to her buddy’s ex.

Calling her ex up “to see how he was doing in the pandemic” probably made that guy’s eyes roll! Even though a year has passed since their breakup, he had to know you were calling him behind his ex’s back and that you were fishing for more than a health report.

You even admit you and he always had “a bit of a thing for each other.” Well, you’ve hooked him, and by doing so, you lost your best friend.

She can’t trust you anymore, and she’s had it. Why would she want to be friends again now you’re with him? Nobody’s that broad-minded.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My dad has decided he’s changing careers, which is… good for him, I guess? I want to be happy for him, but the reality of his life doesn’t leave much room for that.

He’s in his early 50s, and while you are never too old to learn a new skill, he’s going to quit his current long-term job to start training for his new job.

He and my mom were both impulsive and racked up tens of thousands of dollars in debt over and above their mortgage. I must say, part of it was for sending us four kids to university.

For him to quit and basically go back to school means my mom is going to be the sole earner; that’s a lot of financial stress. How do I approach my dad about this? I don’t want to make him angry, but I just see him making a huge mistake that’s unfair to my mom. — Concerned Son, River Heights

Dear Concerned: Talking Dad out of finally following his own dream is not a good idea. He may have put off his old dream for you kids, or discovered in recent years there was something new he really wanted to pursue.

What you don’t know, and what your mother probably knows well, is how much your dad may have come to despise his old job. Parents don’t like to burden their kids with talk about that kind of truth when they are trying to give them a boost in life.

By my rough calculations I’m thinking the four of you went to university and were finished by the time your dad was in his late 40s.

You grown kids might want to get together and gift the parental unit with a nice chunk of payback money on your student loans (though I realize they may have been straight gifts). But it might help them through the learning/training time ahead for your dad.

Why not encourage the man, as he did you?

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend has really changed lately. He used to be such a lively and fun guy, and now he’s super irritable. To be fair, he has lost a lot in his life.

He lost his young uncle (his mom’s brother) recently, who he was close to. He’s also laid off his job now because of COVID. He hasn’t worked in six months and is living off his savings.

I understand why he’s depressed, but still feel like he’s taking it out on me. I don’t want to be the person he’s extra-rude to all the time.

Am I selfish for wanting to leave him until he’s come out of his depression? — Almost Ready to Pack, Osborne Village

Dear Almost: It’s fair that you stand up for yourself and refuse to let him take it out on you — and leave if you must. But, if you really love him and leave him when he’s down, don’t count on him wanting to get back with you when he’s lively and fun again.

Your man needs help from someone other than you. Who is your boyfriend close to in his own family? He needs to talk about his uncle with a relative who understands the bond he had, and one who is also hurting and grieving.

Your role? Get in touch with that person, and get the two talking on the phone. Likely his mom is the one to call as it was her brother who died.

Shared grief can help lighten the load. Naturally, you don’t feel it in the same way, but his mom might be a big help here!

You also need to address the job-hunt problem. If he wants his old job back, fine, but six months is too long to wait it out. He needs a filler job to get to the end of COVID-19.

It doesn’t have to be anything special. Most any job will help to pull him back into the land of the living and out of his funk. Talk to him about temporary jobs — even minimum wage — until he gets his type of work back.

 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.