It’s OK to embrace alone time, but don’t totally disconnect

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 15/03/2021 (2039 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m getting older and noticing more and more that I am withdrawing without realizing it. I have a small circle of friends I rarely see and I don’t get out that much anymore.

I’m not depressed; I enjoy the silence more than interacting.

I communicate with people online all the time, but whenever they want to get together, I usually find a reason I can’t. My sister has pointed out I am fading away from any kind of socializing.

I worry I may become depressed, that my waning circle of friends will end in disaster, but part of me doesn’t care!

Maybe I am depressed? I just don’t feel sad. What should I do? Should I talk to someone about it?

— Solace in the Silence, Elmwood

Dear Solace: You aren’t feeling sad or even depressed, but you know you are hiding. The proof of that is someone close to you has already stuck out her neck and talked to you about it.

How about taking the middle road? Make a short list of five things you’d like to do when COVID-19 clears and make some plans — even join something you can’t go to yet, like signing up for a bike-a-thon in the summer you’ll need to practise for.

Reach out of your protective shell to show to yourself and others (notably your sister who loves you) that you’re not slipping into a hole of any kind. And then, relax. Many of us have been forced to explore our introverted sides, and oddly enjoyed them quite a bit. But, it can go too far, so we have to be on guard a little bit.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband found one of my new vibrators (since COVID hit I’ve bought three). In a reaction I didn’t foresee, he got jealous, and now we’re in a weird space.

OK, I guess I should tell you it is larger than him. Instead of asking if we could incorporate them into our bedroom scene (as I hoped) he got all red — and immediately left.

We have always had great sex, but I guess he is insecure about things downstairs. I had no idea he was so self-conscious!

How can I show him it’s not because I don’t get enough loving from him? Women don’t get turned on in just one way. Sometimes you’re just in the mood for something different. I really didn’t mean to hurt his feelings.

— Alone With My Vibrator, Linden Woods

Dear Alone: Most women know men are sensitive about their equipment size — because there are so many crude jokes based on that little point. You had an idea he’d be upset, because you said he “found” the new vibrator, which means it was new and hidden.

Had your man stumbled upon a small one with a great vibrating system, he may have thought it would be a fun thing to use with you, not a reason for jealousy.

Try to understand how he feels about the size issue by turning it around. What if he bought a new sex toy, like the large simulated breasts on the market, as his secret new sex toy, and you stumbled upon it? How would you have reacted?

To bring him back from upset and embarrassment, maybe you could purchase a small vibrator that fits in your hand and doesn’t look like a body part. You could try using it on his feet, neck and other responsive spots, and he may start feeling better about vibrators.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m in the process of buying a new car with my wife of two years, and I’m seeing this weird, unattractive side of her when we go vehicle hunting. It’s like she morphs into her big-shot father when negotiation of any kind happens.

The other day she elbowed me aside and told me to shut up — and acted like I had no idea what I was talking about. Like, if she weren’t there, I’d embarrass us.

Ha! I was so mad when we walked out of the dealership, I confronted her on the drive home. She just brushed me off and turned up the music like I was an idiot.

She is normally a great woman, but I saw a whole other side of her. I want to talk about it still, but she says, “No need!” She actually believes she’s right, and I’m a naive fool. What do I do?

— Not a Naive Fool, West Kildonan

Dear Not Naive: When couples get past the first year of a new marriage, areas of double dominance — often kept quiet before the wedding — start to come up.

In your case, you both think you should make decisions over vehicles. That means, if you can afford it, you should both shop for your vehicle alone, and try to respect each other’s choices. If it’s one vehicle to share, make small wish lists and try to find something that satisfies most aspects.

There will be things neither of you cares to fight about, where you just say, “Pick what you want, my dear,” and then don’t say another word.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.