Party time’s over for you, so be honest with partner

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 17/03/2021 (1989 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: The end of COVID is just coming into view with the vaccines rolling out, and my partner is in for a shock. She can hardly wait for everything to get back to normal — going to bars and music festivals, and dancing and drinking our faces off. And then there’s taking off to the lake with friends on a Friday to “party hearty” all weekend.

I’ve changed, and it’s not just COVID fatigue. I’m not the wild guy she fell in love with. I don’t care about getting drunk and stoned and partying anymore. Much to my surprise, I’ve learned I like the peace and quiet of a home life, with just the two of us and my old dog.

For the first time, I had to think seriously about life and death for my grandparents and parents and I realized I wanted the seriously valuable things in life — like a wife and children, and more time spent with my family out in the country. I surprised myself and finally grew up.

My girlfriend was attracted to me precisely because I didn’t want to “settle down.” She’s a good six years younger and immature for her age — a wild and fun party girl. I’m pushing 29. I don’t want to go back to our old “friends,” basically a party crew.

How do I break it to her that I don’t want what she wants after COVID? I know she loves me, and I feel like a jerk. But I’m not the same young me anymore.

— Aged Out of My Relationship, St. James

Dear Aged Out: Tell her how you want to live differently, once you’re out of your COVID cocoon. She’ll find out you’re not going back to the level of fun and games she is dying to restart. And (horrors) you don’t want to hang with the same friends, but you do want to leave town and spend time with family in the country. Yawn!

Don’t expect her to change and don’t ask for it. Let her choose how she wants to move forward. If you become a dullard in her books, she will not miss you as much as you imagine. So, wait a bit after your big revelation, show her you’re not kidding, and she may just dump you on your head. It might hurt more than you expect, but it may also be a relief.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I read about Normal Guy’s experience with having a minor car accident, and his reluctance or fear to drive again. There’s nothing worse than getting into an accident, and many people are scared to get back behind the wheel.

While seeing a therapist or getting some counselling, as you suggested, may offer him some help or coping mechanisms, I’d also add it might not be a bad idea to book a few driving lessons.

That’d allow him to get some of his confidence back in a safe environment, with a qualified instructor. The instructor might even have some excellent strategies for coping with this fear he has. Take care.

— J.S., Winnipeg.

Dear J.S.: Thanks for an excellent suggestion. Driving teachers are often dealing with newbies who are scared stiff, so it could be a great help to him. His teacher’s new instructions would make him feel like a better driver than before, and more confident in getting back behind the wheel.

But, the other problem Normal Guy mentioned — the recurring dream he has when he’s under stress that he dies in a collision with a truck — is back in full force. That complicates the matter.

He still needs help from a therapist for that part. He needs to know it’s not a premonition, but that giant truck probably symbolizes the oncoming stressor of the moment at work — and his fear of not being able to conquer it.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography