If submission’s just not your thing, speak up

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 01/05/2021 (1992 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My live-in girlfriend recently asked me to become more submissive in the bedroom, and I don’t like it. I tried being her love slave a few times and she seemed really excited by it. Good for her.

I don’t get off on those activities, especially when I’m the one receiving all of it. Now, it’s all she wants. I don’t know if she’s going to be willing to switch back to normal sex, and that makes me upset.

I’m a quiet guy, but a real man — a kind of cowboy guy — and I like to have a “mutual” sexual experience with a woman. Is this relationship doomed?

— Silent, Not Submissive, Westwood

Dear Not Submissive: Submissive and dominant games can just be an experiment — most people don’t want them all the time. In fact, for many people, the kick comes from playing the opposite to their roles during the work day.

But your woman friend — who wants to be the dominant all the time — doesn’t sound like she’s just dabbling! You, Mr. Quiet Guy, have to speak up. You tried these games for her and aren’t comfortable playing them anymore. If she doesn’t like that, then it’s time for you to saddle up your horse and move on.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My son got his driver’s licence recently and came home smelling like marijuana. He refused to talk to me and went straight upstairs to his room, then slept for a very long time. When he came out the next day, I told him he was not allowed to drive — and grounded indefinitely.

He gave me a nasty look with devil eyes. Guess what he did that night when I was next door at my neighbour’s house? He took my car keys off the hook and went out with his friends. He came home, not smelling like pot, but full of attitude, and yelled at me about how I’m “overreacting and being unfair.”

I’m divorced, and have no husband to turn to. I don’t know what to do. He hasn’t stayed home one evening since. His friends come and pick him up in their cars. I barely see him. He’s snarly — a person I don’t recognize.

I hear from his older sister he’s eating at her place, and at his dad’s. He was brought up in a religious household. Why is he disrespecting his mother?

— God-fearing Mother, North End

Dear God-fearing: When you gave the double punishment, he felt there was nothing left to lose and that unleashed a major rebellion.

It would have been enough to take away the keys and still let your son leave the house on foot. That would have made him think. You’ll note he didn’t smell of pot this time he drove — so he did get that point.

Grounding him (or imprisoning him as he sees it) made him furious — not sorry. His brain said “no way” as in: “You can’t do anything worse to me, so watch this! God-fearing granted, he should never have taken your car after being barred from it — no excuse there. He must have lost his good sense temporarily or he was making a plan — maybe to stop living at your house. Teenagers from 16 up don’t feel so tied to home they can’t move in with another relative or older teenage friend who has a place. But then they need a job to pay for half the rent and food.

He may want to finish school. If you really want him to come home and do that, then you’re going to have to ask him to have a peace talk and work out what’s acceptable behaviour on both your parts from now on.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met a woman with the most beautiful eyes while shopping the other day. In our little encounter we laughed and flirted, and I felt reinvigorated.

Here’s the issue: I’ve been married to a woman I love for over 15 years (no children) and our love life has become quite stale. Admittedly, I got this new woman’s phone number, and it’s all I’ve thought about since. What do I do? If I contact her, I’ll feel guilty, but also alive again. I’m sick of my boring marriage. Could this be the way out of a life sentence?

— Feeling Guilty but Alive, Charleswood

Dear Guilty: Maybe your wife is bored stiff, too. How would you feel if she found someone exciting when she was out, got his phone number and was contemplating sex with him or maybe a clandestine relationship?

You say you love her! Love is a lot to throw away, and a part of your wedding vows was to make the effort to get through the bad times as well as the good.

COVID times are bad times for sex, as you generally feel penned up, bored and unstimulated. How about the novelty of renting a cabin in May or June with your wife, when cabin owners still need some business? Get out of Dodge for a new perspective on the weekends.

Explore some fantasies when you’re away. If you can’t think of any yourself, sex shops sell books and games, and the internet offers lots of suggestions for experimentation.

It’s worth a try before you jettison someone you still say you love in favour of a lady making eyes at you in a store.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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