Friend’s over-drinking impacts others

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This article was published 16/05/2021 (1924 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: During the pandemic one of my wife’s single friends who lives alone deemed my wife her one designated social contact. I understand single people need physical contact and I don’t have an issue with it, as her social bubble is very small. But, their time consists of opening bottle after bottle of wine.

My wife knows her limit, but her friend doesn’t and will continue to drink well past it. I’ve made numerous comments to my wife to just stop pouring her friend wine, but my wife becomes very defensive about it. Her opinion is that since she doesn’t have a drinking issue and knows her own limit, it’s her friend’s issue and she’ll continue to have her over.

We now argue every time the issue comes up. I’ve warned my wife that if this continues, I’ll step in and say something to her friend. How can I make my wife understand that she is part of the problem and is encouraging this?

— Fed Up, North Kildonan

Dear Fed Up: How does this drunk friend get home? Does your wife fetch her and then take her home each time? If her buddy drives over in her own vehicle and is drunk-driving home, she’s endangering lives, including her own, so it’s not just her problem. If the drunken visitor leaves your house on foot to get home, she might look like a victim weaving down the street to a creep driving by.

Then there’s your own personal discomfort. You live in this house and don’t want this woman getting totally bombed in your house. Until you take action (more than a complaint to your wife), nothing is going to change.

So, speak to the drinker when she arrives next time. Take her bag of wine bottles and put it on the table. Tell her you are afraid for her safety and you need her to cut back her drinking when she comes over to less than a bottle. Say it kindly, but seriously. If that doesn’t have any effect, then you and your wife need to talk very seriously. P.S. If your wife is OK with her friend’s over-drinking, is your wife perhaps drinking more than you know?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I made a serious point of telling my two grown kids I didn’t want any gift-giving or visits on Mother’s Day. I said I was going hiking with a friend in the afternoon, but wanted a call Sunday morning. My daughter had already bought me a gift but said, since I was so adamant, she’d take it back. She didn’t call this morning, though I told her to call before 11 a.m. I said to both kids I’d be too tired after hiking.

I told my son I didn’t want gifts or flowers like he usually gives me, but he could call me in the morning because I was busy in the afternoon. I even gave him a specific early time. He didn’t call either. I expected some calls on Mother’s Day after all I’ve done for both of those kids over these years.

— Forgotten Mother, North End

Dear Forgotten Mother: You micro-managed your grown kids right out of their Mother’s Day gifts and celebrations for you. Their presents and their schedules meant nothing to you — and it seemed like you didn’t care that much about Mother’s Day. You actually told them you didn’t want their gifts! In fact, your poor daughter already had one she had to take back.

Also, you told them they should phone you, but only during certain morning hours, as you had plans to go hiking and you’d be too tired to talk to them later. You actually assigned your son an appointment time! It’s not surprising they “forgot” about honouring Mother’s Day this year. Don’t play the martyr with them over this. You really need to warm up and loosen up, Mama!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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