Don’t let ring stop you from locking down real love

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 21/05/2021 (1818 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m in my 40s and can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m finally head-over-heels in love!

I wasn’t ever in love with my husband. He was a high school boyfriend. We experimented and got pregnant, and we had to get married and raise a family or else, in my religious town.

After a long marriage and three kids (now up and gone) I freed myself. My husband was relieved. He found someone to live with extremely quickly (I don’t know how long that affair was going on) and they seem quite happy.

I felt sorry for myself that I didn’t have a hot new man to date when COVID hit — but I was so darn happy to be free at last.

But then I fell in love myself — with a bachelor pushing 50 — and it’s the real thing. It was two months of dating and crazy bickering (oddly enough), and then we fell into bed and haven’t spent a night apart since.

What’s my problem? He wants to get married because he’s also in love, and has never done the marriage thing. But it’s way too soon for me. I just don’t want that key to turn in that lock again! — Terrified of Being Owned, St. James

Dear Terrified: You were not “owned” or “locked in” by your first husband. You were held there by your belief your children needed two parents in the house.

With this new guy, there probably won’t be more children at your age, and you can walk out that door any time you want.

This bachelor can look after himself, and has proven that, by being single until now. You would just be the icing on the cake. The ring would be about mutual love, not forced marriage.

Look, this new man you love has to understand how it felt when you were a teenager who got pregnant and hustled into a bad marriage. You stayed until those kids were up and gone. Tell him all about that, and cry it out. Then quietly get some counselling around the marriage commitment issue for yourself and both of you.

If you both love each other madly, and can’t resolve the marriage thing, maybe this man just needs to live with you and give you a pretty ring — not obviously an engagement or wedding ring — until you get past the fears.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend would only go out with me on weekends since he moved in with me. He said the rest of the week was “his time.” He said he was busy during the week with outdoors stuff like hiking, running and fishing.

A girl I sometimes talk to from his work mentioned they drive the same way after work, and she always sees my guy going down the same road as she does, but he cuts off before and heads for a well-known little town.

She sounded sad when she told me, and I guess she wanted me to know something was up. I decided to investigate, using a relative’s car. What I found out broke my heart.

I followed him from his work and parked down the street and waited. Finally, I saw him coming out of a house with a young woman, and he was holding her hand. They had their heads together, talking. I popped out of the car and took a clear photo of them.

When he finally got home, I just laid the photo on the table and he couldn’t deny it. I told him to get out, and he did. I threw him a box of black garbage bags to pack. He’s gone, but now what? I’m a wreck. — Taken For a Ride, The Maples

Dear Taken: It’s often bad news when a lover blocks off large periods of time where you’re not “allowed” to see them. With men, the story is often they need male gym time, hunting and fishing time, or solitary pursuits, like running. They may also offer no excuse at all and just demand private time.

So, it’s damage-assessment time for you. The mystery is solved, and you got yourself solid proof. It must hurt to know he’s not suffering like you are.

You’re going to need emotional support and perhaps some financial help from family or close friends to deal with the house or apartment you shared.

If it’s an apartment you can’t afford yourself, you need a healthy roommate you can trust, or shift to a smaller apartment, perhaps within the same block.

If it’s a house you two owned, the good news is homes are selling at high prices these days. You’ll need a lawyer to sort this out between you and your snake of a boyfriend.

There is other good news. You just got rid of a liar and cheater, and you’ll never again “go along with” a guy who feeds you a similar line about needing that much private time.

Your next relationship is bound to be much better. Just don’t move in quickly with anyone. There is so much to learn about a new person before giving them that much power in your life.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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