Just not down with boyfriend’s hippie vibe

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 04/07/2021 (1865 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend is 22. For months, he’s spent a ridiculous amount of time late at night on the computer, playing his guitar (and trying to sing) and smoking weed. He’s gotten himself immersed in old hippie music, culture and philosophy over the past eight months, and has grown his hair way out and has a goofy moustache.

He doesn’t want to listen to current music and is always trying to “turn me on” to some old ‘60s and ‘70s music. I thought I loved him, but he was a different guy when I fell in love. I find him embarrassing now.

Does it mean I’m shallow if I fall out of love with a guy because of his new fake personality? He’s still him underneath, but I don’t think he’s going to change back to the guy I loved.

— Thinking of Quitting Him, Osborne Village

Dear Thinking: You’re not shallow. If the person you fell in love with is acting like somebody else, you have every right to move on and look for somebody who suits you better. In turn, that sets your boyfriend free to find a young woman who’s into the same thing he is. That’s just healthy.

Yes, it hurts to break up, remembering all the good times that went before. But you’re still right to look for a good fit and not to force yourself into matching somebody else’s new lifestyle. He may be much the same guy underneath, but he’s growing, changing and experimenting, and who knows where those changes will end up?

So, be true to yourself. When you break up, you don’t need to go into details and criticisms. A short explanation will do, and it will cause much less hurt. You’re not going to want to stay friends and be pals, but somewhere way down the road that could happen if you don’t rip each other apart now.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My family has a place up at the beach, and I love to go there. Because of COVID I don’t have my regular job up there this year. Wah! My parents say they don’t want me to be close to a bunch of “idiots” from the beach.

Dad just came home and announced he has “a well-paying job” for me at his friend’s office. I don’t want it! The whole summer away from the lake and all my friends, spent in a freakin’ office? I’m the sociable type and I’ll die of loneliness!

He said, “Fine, that offer’s going to be off the table soon. You’ll need to hustle up some work in the city, because you’re paying half your tuition next fall and living at home another year.” Like he’s dictating my life! Now what do I do?

— Treated Like a Child at 18, Winnipeg

Dear Treated: Cool off! Your father is trying to protect the young woman he loves from a deadly virus and its nasty new variants. If you were a parent of a friendly, sociable girl of 18, would you just watch her head off to the beach for a fun-packed summer in the inevitable crowds while COVID-19 is still skulking round?

This may be the last summer you’ll ever have to worry about COVID. Relax, and know that your Dad loves you very much. Apologize like a grown-up, and see if you can still get that job that pays so well at his friend’s office. Next year will likely be a much safer, happier situation.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Not long before I married my husband, his mother told me she had received a letter from a girl saying she was pregnant, and my husband-to-be was the father. My husband claimed he wasn’t.

My husband has passed, so my question is, should I tell my children? This “child” would be in their early 60s now. What is the right thing to do here?

— Wondering, Manitoba

Dear Wondering: You must be around 80 so it’s late to do the right thing by this adult child, which would have been to investigate thoroughly the claim your soon-to-be mother-in-law had the courage to bring to light before your wedding. Your fiancé brushed off the possible paternity situation because he wanted you and the wedding and didn’t care about the baby claim. You wanted to believe him and looked the other way.

Still, it’s not too late to let this adult child know that someone on their bio-dad’s side finally acknowledges them and cares they are alive, and would value meeting them and introducing them to family. It’s right to get situations like this out.

Of course, it’s the biological parent the unrecognized child most wishes they could meet, but he has died. Still, biological half-siblings, you (who can tell stories about your husband) and any other interested relatives are really worth meeting. This adult child may look like some of the family, so have lots of photos to share especially in the first meeting.

There are a lot of people now doing paternity tests and looking up possible bio-parents, so it’s not so odd and not nearly as difficult to find evidence as it once was.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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