Wife right to bar buddy over boozy B-word

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This article was published 21/11/2021 (1730 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My best friend called my wife the B-word. I don’t know what to do at this point. I love my wife, and I love my best friend, but, we were all drinking, and the two of them were arguing about some stupid crap, and he ended up calling her that name.

I told him that wasn’t cool. Then he started acting like a high school kid, talking about how I’m only on her side because we’re married. Yes, that’s right! That’s my wife — the love of my life.

Anyway, the next day he called me, and we talked it out. The two of us are cool again, but my wife is not. She said she doesn’t want him over here anymore, even though he’s my best friend. How can I get my wife and him to talk? He’s willing to do that, but she isn’t.

— Beer Baron, St. James

Dear Beer Baron: Unless he apologizes, your wife has every right to keep him out of the house. Your buddy went over the line. Plus, he has unfairly called on your loyalty to him as a friend, and tried to guilt you for siding with your own wife.

If one of your wife’s friends called you an offensive name, would you be up for having her right back in the house without an apology? Apologies may just be words, but they really do help heal wounds. Your friend needs to get an apology through to your wife with a phone call or a “sorry”-themed card so you can get through this. And, Mr. Beer Baron, if the name-calling was inspired by getting drunk, the boozing needs to be controlled when this buddy is at your home.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My dear husband talks in his sleep, which I used to find amusing as it’s usually just nonsensical chatter. But, there’s been a change this fall. There’s a new woman at work, and she’s funny. At first, he used to repeat some of her wisecracks to me, until I finally asked if he had a crush on her. Well, that shut him up.

Now, a month later, her first name — a very common one, I admit — has come out clearly when he’s talking in his sleep — twice in one week. I woke him up last night and asked him what he was dreaming about. He spouted some gobbledygook, put a pillow over his head and rolled over on his stomach, away from me. Suspicious posture.

I know her full name, so I looked her up on Facebook this morning — and guess who is one of her online friends? My husband. Not that it’s a big deal, since they work together, but still I wonder if something is developing. It’s been well over a month since he and I made love. We’re busy folks, with kids, but that’s a long time for us. I love him a lot, so please help me!

— Seriously Worrying, St. Norbert

Dear Worrying: Shine a light on his recent behaviour. Watch his face closely as you talk. It may be a small office crush that has developed to something more, or maybe it’s just fantasizing. If you want him, you may have to fight for the marriage, and not just call him out on his dream-talking.

Insist he talk to you about this particular woman, as you are “worried.” Mention the fact you have noticed your sex life together hasn’t been happening for over a month. Tell him how much he and the family mean to you, and that you miss being close and physical. If he looks guilty and maybe even admits to fancying this woman, suggest counselling to work things out, because you love him. Be clear about that fact.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been single for a very long time — almost 12 years now — and I’m in my 50s. I have two grown kids who are now living out of the city. After my wife passed away, I told myself I’d date again one day and at first I really tried. But, every time I’d go out with another woman, I’d miss my wife and become overwhelmed with sadness.

Recently, I met a woman who seems great and is also widowed. I haven’t felt the same sadness with her that I did with other women. We have been out on a few dates, but now she wants to come over to my place and I’m suddenly filled with fear and anxiousness.

I haven’t had a woman over in so long, I worry my place won’t be up to her standards. I’ve cleaned up and organized my house, but I’m still nervous. My worst fear? What if she sees something that reminds me of my wife and remarks on it? I still have a few great pictures of her up. Will I have tears? Will she feel uncomfortable? How can I get over these feelings?

— Out of the Game? Fort Garry

Dear Out: You could leave one or two pictures of your wife out, but if there are some in every room — particularly the bedroom — put them in an album in a drawer. Twelve years is a long time to be faithful to someone who has passed away.

If things do get awkward and the date fizzles, you could ask this widow how she handled her grief and got over her husband. She might be helpful, but you can be sure she won’t think you’re ready romantically.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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