Day trips could balance out car hobby

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This article was published 22/11/2021 (1729 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m recently retired and spending a lot of money and time in my garage. I love every single God-given day available for me to enjoy my hobby — I fix up antique vehicles for myself and other people. I wish this had been my entire working life, but it wasn’t.

There is one person who doesn’t love it so much. That’s my wife. She resents all the time I spend out there. She had different ideas in mind for us when we retired. I think she wanted me to sit at the kitchen table with her for eight hours a day, sip tea and talk. That’s not for me!

I’ve invited her to come out and hang with me in the garage, and she tried it at first, sitting there reading a book, but she didn’t stick around. She just left and went back in the house.

How can I make peace with her on this? I love her but I waited a long time for the lifestyle I wanted.

— It’s My Life Too! Winnipeg suburbs

Dear My Life Too: You don’t need to give up your garage, but you can’t spend every God-given day out there if you want to repair things with your wife. Her crime? She had a dream of togetherness during your retirement and she misses you badly.

To accommodate both your retirement dreams, you need to start broadening your life with activities and mini-trips outside the house and garage. Day trips outside the city could incorporate some things she wants to do and see, plus hunting for special car parts. Maybe you could go for lunch at a local restaurant, and then head back home to your garage for part of the day and evening.

Even two day trips a week might be enough to make your wife quite happy. She could research other destinations on off days. Manitoba is a fascinating place, and there are lots of books to help you with rural travel decisions.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I think my wife is having an “emotional” affair. We’ve been together for over 15 years, have young pre-teen children and a beautiful home together.

Lately, she’s been emotionally absent, more often than ever before — like her head is in the clouds. She isn’t interested in the things I say, and she’s usually too tired for sex.

I think she’s having an emotional affair, because there’s a guy at her work who phones her at home during off hours. They stay on the phone too long, and she does a lot of giggling.

I finally met him when he dropped off some files for her at our house. I invited him in to get a look at him — and she came flying downstairs with makeup on and smelling of perfume. She laughed too much at his little jokes.

I felt something like an alarm go off. She was acting with him the way she did with me when we first met!

I don’t think they’re actually having an affair, because he was OK with coming here to the house, where her husband would be. But, I think she’s definitely having feelings.

I told her how I felt, and she told me I was “bat-s*** crazy,” which didn’t help anything. I miss what we used to have, and I’m wondering if it’s all directed at him now. Is it too late?

— Feeling Paralyzed, West End

Dear Feeling Paralyzed: If your wife is completely denying this, but you have internal distress signals, then talk to a relationship counsellor on your own.

Some people have lived their whole married lives knowing their partner had a tenderness and deep attraction to somebody else, though not a sexual relationship. Either the object of their partner’s attraction also cares but wants to stay married, or they don’t share the same level of feelings but the loved one enjoys the ego massage.

It’s understandably tough for you to witness, and you need talk to a professional soon — with or without your wife. If this guy from work isn’t returning your wife’s feelings and attraction, she may feel there’s no reason she has to go talk to anybody, but you certainly should.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife and I adopted a boy when we were in our mid-30s and we are now in our 50s. He came to us when he was just a tiny baby. We liked feeling that we were his “real parents.” The thing is, we never told him he was adopted, and our relatives live in another province and are not close with us. They probably don’t know or care.

I feel like our son deserves to know he’s adopted at some point, but he’s in high school now. I feel like this is already a difficult enough time for him, without grappling with who his real parents are.

My husband wants to tell him and thinks we should do it now, but I think we should wait. What’s appropriate here? And how do we even bring that conversation up?

— Devoted Parents, Winnipeg

Dear Devoted Parents: How sensitive is your boy? How prone to problems? If he’s likely to feel his sense of security has been yanked out from under him, then postpone the revelation until the end of high school.

If he’s a less emotional guy, you might tell him now. You should offer to help him research his adoption records. The laws changed in 2015. At 18, he can just go on his own and search. He might not even care to go and look at first, but the time will likely come. Before you do anything at all, read the province of Manitoba’s open birth records related to adoption at gov.mb.ca/fs/childfam/adoption_search.html.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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