Recalibrate your approach to number game

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 03/01/2022 (1403 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend seems to have a problem because I’ve had sex with a lot of people in the past. We have both lived interesting lives, and the other night we were talking about past partners and the age-old, unwanted question came up: “How many people have you slept with?”

His number was admittedly kind of low, and when he heard mine, it was like the mood changed instantly. He got weird and defensive — and kind of jealous. I don’t get it. How do I get through to him that this has zero impact on our current relationship?

— Thought We Had Trust, St. Norbert

Dear Thought We Had Trust: Even if it’s the beginnings of a love relationship, and you want to be totally honest, the number of people you’ve slept with can be a dangerous thing to spill. That private fact is yours to keep secret, even from your best female buddy. That juicy info can get passed around, especially if friends fall out or when tipsy people become loose-lipped.

This new partner is already feeling the negative effects of knowing your number. He may feel he can’t trust you not to compare him to other men, or not to dump him the minute his performance doesn’t measure up to theirs.

Would you have liked a man to whom you were attracted to spill his big number? Even knowing a person you’re dating has tallied them up can be unsettling. Maybe it’s time to nicely let this fellow go his own way, and go your own, with the intent of burning your list and zipping your lip.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: It’s going to take a long time for me to get over Christmas 2021. I was all alone due to the upswing in COVID cases and fear of the Omicron variant. I also had a recent breakup with my man over my drinking habit — just wine, but out-of-control for the last few years.

On Christmas Eve, I was so lonely I ended up calling people I shouldn’t — like my ex-husband. I got quite maudlin on the phone. I said, “What if you die and I never see you again?” He finally said, “My new girlfriend wants to speak to you. She told me to shove my bottle, get lost and never call again!

Then I called my mother — also a drinker — and she started crying and told me: “Everybody I ever loved is now dead.” Obviously I’m not one of them.

I don’t know what to do. I’d quit drinking, except I don’t have any friends left who aren’t drinkers too. I’m very lonely, and more open to suggestion than usual. OK… part-way open!

— Only Got My Dog Left, Weston

Dear Only Got My Dog: The Christmas season has increased your feelings of loneliness, as it does for many non-drinkers as well. If you join Alcoholics Anonymous with the sincere intention to quit drinking for good, you’ll meet people in the same situation and can form new friendships.

If you decide you’re more than part-way open to making a change, contact AA Manitoba at 204-942-0126 or connect online at aamanitoba.org.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I got a call from my long-lost brother on Christmas Eve and he wanted to talk, so we did for about 30 minutes. At no point did he mention where he was, nor was his phone number showing. He just wanted to talk about the old times.

I asked him several times where he was living, and he wouldn’t tell me. My wife says she wouldn’t be surprised if he was in jail, couch-surfing or staying in a shelter. When he wouldn’t tell me how to find him, he could hear my frustration, said a quick goodbye and hung up. He’s my younger brother and I still love him. What can I do?

— Hurting Older Brother, North End

Dear Hurting: There’s definitely a reason he won’t tell you where he is, but he did reach out — and that’s something. He may not have an address to give you. Perhaps he’s ashamed to tell you he’s on the streets, and that’s the only place he feels accepted right now. It’s also possible he’s addicted to something and doesn’t want you to suss it out.

He obviously still cares about you and doesn’t want you to look down on him. Maybe he didn’t want you to think he was calling because he needed a handout. Plus, maybe he’s afraid you’d try to bring him to your home, and he doesn’t want that right now.

When he calls again, try not to get angry, and he may agree to meet you for coffee somewhere. Go for it, but don’t push too hard, and he might agree to see you again. It’s a start!

Send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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