Gift guilt grounded in more than over-giving

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This article was published 09/01/2022 (1684 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My in-laws went rogue with gift-giving for my little one this past Christmas, even though we provided a list. They are overly generous, I must say, but they ended up buying an enormous amount of unwanted things (not a single item from the list).

I’m left with feelings of dread and guilt. How long do I keep the items before I can donate them? I don’t want to offend anyone, but I also don’t want to just fill my house with things, since I’m making my own efforts to declutter.

My little one doesn’t even particularly like or pay attention to these items. I’ve spoken to a few friends and this rogue gift-giving sounds pretty universal. How do I navigate this? What do most people do? I’ve had frank discussions with my own family, but I don’t feel comfortable doing this with the in-laws.

— Overgifted, Manitoba

Dear Overgifted: “Going rogue” is different from “going overboard” — it’s ignoring the rules set out. You gave your in-laws a list of pre-approved gifts they probably didn’t ask for. Most people wouldn’t feel like “hopping to it” if handed a list. The fun for them is shopping for items that express their love and a feeling of fun.

Something else is going on with you and the in-laws. It sounds like a power struggle. Do you feel pushed around or outdone by your mate’s family? You are so upset by these gifts, you use the words “guilt” and “dread” and can’t wait for the earliest date to divest yourself of them. It’s about more than your decluttering project, isn’t it?

Why do you take issue with relatives giving your child lots of gifts, when many families would love it? If this stems from pre-existing boundary issues with your husband’s family, that should be something you and your partner address in the near future.

If you can’t talk to his family together, then your husband should talk to them alone on behalf of you both, as they should love him too much to create a big rift over this.

As for getting rid of the gifts, put most of them in a closet. If an in-law asks where they are, say your child doesn’t seem ready for them yet, but will probably be interested later.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I fell in love this Christmas season with another woman. I’ve known her as a friend for a long time. We’d been fighting the attraction for a few months, but ended up declaring our true feelings before Christmas. We stayed with each other at her beautiful condo for 10 whole days and got along perfectly.

She asked me at midnight on New Year’s Eve if I’d move in with her, and I said yes. We’ve known each other since high school and have been close friends, though we always had other partners.

Both of us have been out of the closet for some time, though not with our families. I said, “We should tell our families we’re a couple before we move in together.” She said, “Why invite discussion? Let’s just do it and let them speculate.”

What do you think? My family are open-minded and would be disappointed if I wasn’t honest with them, especially since I still live with them, and we’re close.

— Excited But Confused, St. Boniface

Dear Confused: If the decision is going to cause debate with your new love’s family, she’ll want to handle it the way she suggested — on her end. And, why not? You, on the other hand, are luckier. You’re free to tell your more liberal family you’re a couple, without a hassle. Though they’ll miss you at home, they’ll probably be fine with your moving in together.

Neither one of you should insist the other follows her lead with the disclosure, because the families are different — and you two want this to be a happy situation. Your love will tell her family when the time is right, or let them ask about it when they start to figure it out.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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