Call fooling even before it goes too far

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 01/04/2022 (1320 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: On April Fool’s Day last year my husband thought it’d be a good idea to put a “sold” sign on my shiny new car — the one he gave me, and now thinks I drive way too fast.

I got sucked in and went nuts when I went outside to go to work and saw the sign. After I blew up, he laughingly displayed a big calendar with April 1 circled, and the words “just joking” beside it!

This year I’m getting him back at 12:05 a.m. — just five minutes into this April Fool’s Day, he’s going to see a congratulations card from me, saying we’re pregnant again. That’s a big fear of his. We already have too many kids! I don’t care how much he sweats. He can lie awake all night!

In the morning at breakfast, he’ll look out and see a big sign sitting on his car, saying “just joking.” Don’t you think It takes a strong woman to wait a whole year to pay her April-fooling husband back? I think it’s time to congratulate me, Miss L.!

— Tit for Tat, West End

Dear Tit for Tat: Yes, that was quite the return volley on your part! But this week you need to have a little chat with your husband, to toast each other and call off the competition. You two really need to be on each other’s team, most of the time. Continued pranking between mates can get tiresome and divisive. Do you want that to happen in this dangerous little game you’re playing?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife told me last week — when no orgasm happened for her again — that she was finished having “failed sex” with me. We both said some bitter words, and she cried in the bathtub for a long time.

She finally came out and confessed to me she’s been sleeping with someone from her workout place. She says “they” satisfy her in ways I’ve never done. I have to presume “they” is a woman, as she’s been hinting at this for some time.

Somehow, having another woman as the competition doesn’t bother me so much. I told her what really does bother me is her ballooning weight. She just laughed. Then everything went eerily silent.

Today she told me it’s over, and I have to move, so she and the kids still have a home. I’m going to need a new place to live… everything! This has totally blindsided me. Where do I start?

— Separation Shock, North End

Dear Separation Shock: It’s interesting how people feel less jealousy, and more hope, if their mate is messing with someone of the same sex. They mistakenly think it can’t possibly be serious and it’s just a physical experiment.

But, an affair between two women can often be more about emotion, and a better understanding of what a woman wants and needs physically.

Also, her partner may be more attracted to or accepting of her body shape, so that’s an added feeling of freedom.

You’d best take this experiment/affair and breakup seriously now, but try to keep lines of communication open. If you aren’t scoffing, your wife may tell you openly how long the relationship’s been going on, how serious it is, the interloper’s family situation and what your wife sees for her future.

You also need to see a divorce lawyer ASAP, to plan for different contingencies. Plus, you’ll need emotional support for yourself from an experienced counsellor, who’s clearly on your side supporting you.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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