Need a little friction to help with spark

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This article was published 31/03/2022 (1591 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m 25 and seeing someone who is so much like me that we can finish each other’s sentences. I feel like I’m dating myself, and it’s driving me crazy!

My last boyfriend was my polar opposite and that drove me crazy. I never would have guessed that having someone who thinks the way I do would be so hard for me, but it is.

When we first met, I truly enjoyed the similarities — daily running, into photography, same religious and political views, and crazy about big dogs. Now it just feels like we’re an old married couple.

“Totally agree!” is the line I hear most from my boyfriend, and then the conversation is pretty much over.

I already know what he wants when he wants it, or what he’s going to say in response to almost anything. For some reason, I resent it. I know it doesn’t make sense. My last boyfriend and I debated everything.

I’ve talked to some of my married friends about this and they say I’m over-reacting and I’m lucky there’s no bickering this time. What is wrong with me?

— Dating Myself, South Osborne

Dear Dating Myself: People may think they’d prefer someone who agreed with everything they say, as there’d be no arguments. But the truth is, total agreement tamps down the sexual sparks in a relationship.

A lively discussion is part of the heat between two thinking people. It’s particularly good if they can come to some kind of resolution at the end, even if it’s to “agree to disagree.” Then it’s a quick kiss and make up, and on to something else.

As time goes by, couples work out a lot of issues, but if they’re different personalities, there’s still lots to discuss and it’s fun to discover how the other person thinks.

The trick is to learn to how to debate issues without getting too personal and insulting your sweetheart. “That’s interesting. I never thought of it that way,” is a good resolution line, because you’re respecting the other person, though not necessarily changing your own opinion.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Where do you draw the line with guys on a first date? I haven’t dated in a while, thanks to COVID, and recently had a first date with a guy. Things went OK, but then he tried to kiss me at the end, and I wasn’t at all ready for a kiss. I asked him who he thought he was, and he got mad!

We haven’t talked since, and I doubt we will. What do you think? Should I be more prepared for that when I go on future dates? Are my expectations naive? I feel like the second date is a better time for a first kiss.

— Naive Woman? Osborne Village

Dear Naive: A light kiss on a first date is appropriate if you’re already feeling like there’s going to be more than a first date, and you’re talking about setting one.

If things just went so-so on the first date, a kiss as you part would feel phoney. “Thanks. Nice to meet you,” and a pleasant, “Bye-bye” would be more appropriate.

But some new couples, it must be said, have been eyeing each other up for a long time, and the build-up of curiosity and desire is already full-tilt. These are the people who park out front in the loading zone, steam up the car windows and accidentally blow the horn!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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