Already in deep with swinging neighbours

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 28/06/2022 (1509 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Our street finally hosted a block party again after the pandemic — and it was a wild and crazy one. My husband and I drank too many cocktails and were feeling no pain! At the end, it seemed too early to go home, and I said so quite loudly. We suddenly got an invitation to this friendly new couple’s place for a dip in their pool hot tub.

We quickly went home a few doors down to get our swimsuits and then joined them in the hot tub. I fancied the husband had eyes for me, and it turned out I wasn’t wrong. My husband was ignoring me and flirting a little with the young wife.

I finally went into the house to use the restroom, and when I came out the husband was waiting for me in the hall. He said our partners were “busy” out in the hot tub together. The he reached for me and we kissed against the wall. I was into it and didn’t make him stop — blame it on the liquor!

Now — the day after — I feel sick to my stomach. Why would I jeopardize my marriage and hurt my husband? I know I have to tell him what I did, but can’t get it out. He knows there’s something wrong. Should I tell him and risk ending our marriage?

— Bad Wife, west Winnipeg

Dear Bad Wife: The neighbourly husband seemed to be able to swing into action pretty quickly with you, so it could be that he and his wife are into “swinging” with other couples and suspected you were, too.

Start your confession to your husband, by asking if anything “unusual” happened in the hot tub when you were in the house. If your husband says, “Why are you asking?” use that opening to frankly say, “Because, that guy kissed me when I came out of the bathroom.” You don’t have to rub it in that you enthusiastically kissed him back. If pressed, you could admit you “let it go” but you can always guarantee it won’t happen again.

Clearly you aren’t looking to lose your husband, but you tend to forget that fact when you’ve had too much to drink. It may be time to switch to “mocktails” and stay out of that particular backyard playpen.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I cannot possibly understand the overwhelming pain my mother is living through. She keeps saying, “If only I could have given my life so my son could have lived!”

My heart breaks for her. My brother died almost 10 years ago. During this time, there have been deaths, marriages and babies, but none of them matters to my mother. It’s as if she died when my brother died. She is a shell of herself now.

My mom used to be the best mother — fun, loving and supportive in all we did — but not any more. When I got married, my mother kept talking about “my son” and how great he’d have been as a husband. Now, I’m expecting my first child — her first grandchild — and all she talks about is what a great father he would have been if he’d lived to have children.

Well, I finally exploded and told her enough is enough. I reminder her that I’m alive, and for 10 years I’ve accomplished a lot and hit many milestones that were diminished, compared to the “what ifs” and “if onlys” to do with my dead brother.

I feel sick to my stomach for getting so upset with my mom. I could see the pain in her eyes. She told me I was selfish and then said, “God forbid if you lost a child!”

I’m tired of living in my deceased brother’s shadow. Now things are so icy with my mother. What can I do to help her move past this?

— Less Important Daughter, East Kildonan

Dear Less Important: You’ve gone a decade like this, and needed to stand up for yourself. Now your mom needs to connect with other people who have experienced similar grief.

In an act of peacemaking, try to connect her with the Compassionate Friends of Winnipeg. They will know ways to start helping her with this special kind of grief. The local group is part of an international, non-profit, peer-support organization. They offer “friendship, understanding, grief education and hope for the future to all families who are grieving the death of a child.” That’s at any age from any cause — including miscarriage, stillbirth and infant and adult death.

For more info, visit tcfwinnipeg.org. The group notes clearly they are not counsellors or therapists, but say, “We are people who have journeyed (in varying degrees) the same road you are now travelling.”

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography