Trust gut instincts with upbeat interloper

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 02/07/2022 (1504 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My lesbian partner and I (we’re both in our 30s) were a very happy couple, until her old love came back to Winnipeg recently. I preferred her living three provinces away!

She’s a real live wire, and has invaded our privacy by trying to be this upbeat, open-minded friend to both of us. I don’t want a threesome, even a platonic one. She’s always trying to come over here and brings enticing stuff, like her new puppy.

I suspect she wants more than friendship with my girlfriend, and this is all part of her evil plan to show her new, improved self to my mate — and right in front of me.

So far, she has done nothing wrong that I can put my finger on, but she’s always finding excuses to come over — like a couple times a week. She never comes empty-handed and often brings homemade baking and special drinks.

How do I fight this interloper without looking petty? I feel trouble brewing. Please tell me what my next move should be?

— Hurting and Worrying, St. Boniface

Dear Worrying: Your girlfriend is enjoying all the extra attention. That could be part of her ex’s plan, or she may just be lonely now she’s back in the city.

Still, she has to know your place is not the right place to find a couple of platonic friends. So, go ahead and be petty! Trust your instincts, and tell your lady exactly how you feel. Let her know you’ve had enough of sharing, even if her ex hasn’t made a real move yet. It’s probably coming, but not until you happen to be away one day!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I hate my job, but love my life. I hate going to work every day, but I have “golden handcuffs,” in that my lifestyle (which I love) requires me to earn at least as much money as I make now.

The sad part is I’m not really eligible or qualified to do anything else. This dissatisfaction is not going to go away, and I don’t want to be bored and miserable eight to 10 hours a day for the rest of my life. I also don’t want to waste the numerous years of schooling and certification I had to do, in order to get to this job level. I have no idea what to do now.

— Trapped by Gold, West St. Paul

Dear Trapped: Sometimes people go after what they think they want career-wise, and then end up, as the old saying goes, “changing horses in the middle of the stream.” What they don’t know in the beginning of their restlessness is what else they’d be really good at, and what training they’d need to get there.

Career counsellors — often employed in high schools, colleges and universities — are familiar with the most respected aptitude tests available. Outside of school settings, psychologists also use them in helping people like yourself. They’re fascinating to take as there’s nothing quite like studying yourself and getting an idea of the many careers you’d be good at.

When I wanted to switch careers from teaching, a psychologist sent me to take a career aptitude test. It changed my life. It turned out I just needed one year of extra training at Carleton University. From the beginning, I loved the new career in newspapers and radio.

Testing will identify many alternate careers suited to you, not just one. So, quietly see a psychologist and a career counsellor. You may even be able to start studying for a new career in the evenings, while keeping your current job.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife and I have been together for almost 25 years. I came home last week to a shocking situation. I found out she’d moved herself out of the master bedroom into the spare room because, as she said, “the house is too hot.”

I said I’d put in new air conditioning so she wouldn’t have to move out of our bedroom.

Then she said in a strange voice: “It’s what I want.” She used such a cold tone, I was startled.

I don’t know what to do now. For me, a marriage is just a friendship if there’s no more sleeping together and intimacy.

She said, “Marriage is much more than sex, you know,” and I agree — except I’m not sticking around for a sexless marriage. I’m only 49 years old. What, if anything, can I do now?

— Totally Shocked, West Kildonan

Dear Shocked: You need to get at the real story, because there definitely is one! Do either or both of you have someone else? Had your wife already stopped enjoying sex with you? If so, why?

Had she started “putting up with it” as part of the marriage, and perhaps you didn’t know that?

The “strange voice” your wife used seemed as startling as the move out of the bedroom to you. You deserve to know what is really happening.

Ask her if she will “please” go to marriage counselling together with you, to try to bring out the real issues. Once you find out, you may want to try to work on the relationship, or it may be time for both of you to let go

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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