Clear up matrimonial cross purposes quickly

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 29/06/2022 (1509 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: For a special date, my new boyfriend and I went to the Red River Ex. I’m very young at heart, and he’s younger by two years at 28. We both enjoyed the crazy rides, the music, the games and the food. We were having the best time together!

Then this happened: We were getting seated on a really fast and exciting ride, with loud music. Just before the ride started moving, he looked at me and said, “I love you and I want to marry you!” The ride started with a jolt and I screamed and screamed, in total excitement for the ride.

He took my screaming as an acceptance of his weird proposal. I know now I should have told him “no thanks” and given him real the truth right away — but he was so happy, I couldn’t do it to him right then. I have kept putting it off. He thinks I’m going to marry him and I feel sick, because I’m not.

He’s a really sweet guy, and I like him, but I don’t love him. It’s far too soon for any engagement anyhow. Two months is not enough time to really know a guy, let alone marry him.

I really don’t want to hurt him, but I have to straighten this out! What should I say? Please help me let him down, gently.

— Horrible Mistake, Westwood

Dear Mistake: Letting this poor guy down “gently” is not one of the choices available. He actually thought he heard a screamed agreement to his proposal of marriage. He’s going to be hurt and embarrassed, so you can’t drag it on any further.

You know he’s not the right man for you, anyway. If you’d thought he was truly a candidate for love and marriage, you wouldn’t be describing your present emotions with phrases such as “I like him.” Instead, there would be growing admiration and fascination with this man. It’s just not there.

So, tell him honestly how the misunderstanding occurred and apologize from your heart for letting things go on. Then say your goodbyes and let the poor guy go away and heal as best he can.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m married to a woman with a big eating problem. She’s hooked on sugar, like it’s a drug. She gets really defensive when we talk about it, but she’s gaining weight at an alarming rate.

I’ve recently found two of her stashes of sugar. First, big bags of assorted ice cream treats, buried under the meat in the basement freezer. Then I found a giant chocolate stash in the basement cellar where we keep the preserves my mother makes.

I feel betrayed! My wife’s basically been lying to my face. She tells me she is “working on her weight problem” and then hides food. It just feels wrong, but what can I do?

I blame her obese mother who is a longtime sugar freak. She has started coming over all the time, when I’m not around. My wife works at home with her own business. I know they’re stuffing their faces together in the afternoons while I’m still at work. They’ve formed a little team, it seems to me, and I’m the enemy.

I love my wife and don’t want to lose her, but I feel like she’s losing herself, like her mother.

— Angry and Disappointed, Garden City

Dear Disappointed: Call your wife out on the secret sugar games being played.

It’s possible your wife is stress-eating because she’s unhappy with you or something else in her world, like her home-based career. perhaps. But maybe this is the way she expresses and shares love with her mother again, now the honeymoon stage with you is over. Momma may even be her “pusher” — bringing over homemade desserts and baking. People are always welcomed at the door with goodies in hand.

Be courageous and try to open up the underlying issues before being judgmental and ramping up the conflict.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m married to a man with more sexual appetite than I can handle. He seems to want sex all the time now. I just can’t keep up and I’m getting tired and bored.

I want to keep the good times rolling in our marriage, but now I’m feeling obligated, instead of excited. He’s a nice guy and I doubt he would be rude or nasty if I told him how I feel. He’s more likely to be embarrassed and deflated.

I just feel embarrassed for some reason — and we’ve been married already for two years. What’s going on? All we do is stay home and you know what.

— Running Out of Juice, Fort Garry

Dear Out of Juice: Sex stops being fun when it becomes one partner’s whole entertainment program. There’s a reason sexy Hollywood actors get paid for their services — it can feel like work after a while.

A lot of peoples’ lives got too narrow during the pandemic and “home games” of all kinds were used to fill the boring times.

Instead of calling your man down over his increased interest in sex, become a social convener and open your lives up to many other kinds of fun now. Possibilities? Dinner with friends, outdoor concerts, driving up to the beach, bicycling around the neighbourhood and going to movies.

In other words, start dating again. You can still be affectionate, but the main event is not always going to be sex. There was probably a lot more to your social life together before it got narrowed down to sex. Time to build that variety again!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.