Mate’s money issues won’t magically disappear

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This article was published 11/12/2022 (1340 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I started dating a charming guy and I began to fall in love very quickly. I thought this was it and he was “the one.”

But then I found out he’s drowning in debt! This is a grown man in his 30s, who had his cellphone cut off recently for not paying the bill. He owed a lot more money than that! Where does it all go? I don’t know everything he’s into, but he buys stuff constantly online; there are daily packages at his door.

He got drunk recently and told me the total of how much money he owes to everyone, and I almost choked. I guess it’s my fault for falling for an impulsive guy, but I had no idea he had so much debt. I have a good job and I’m a saver by nature. He took notice and approved when we first got together, especially when I told him how much I save every month — almost $2,000.

We are a match in every other way though. I just know if we got married I’d end up being the one covering his debts, and that’s scary to me. Do people change after marriage? Is that a stupid question? I feel like I know the answer, but pray I’m wrong.

—Sinking Feeling, Downtown

Dear Sinking: Marriage would not be the cure for this man. He already has another love — online shopping. That pull can be more addictive than a real, live girlfriend.

It’s so easy to do — no one can see him — and then there’s an immediate reward, as delivery is so fast now. It’s Christmas every day of the year at his door!

But now his debts in different areas have caught up with him. He knows you have a lot of saved money, and he liked that about you. It’s a mistake to divulge that info to men you start seeing.

He may ask you for help in the near future, but if you shoulder his debt, your respect for him will probably disappear, along with your feelings of love and sexual attraction. And, he may simply not be able to pay you back.

If he decides to declare bankruptcy, counselling on handling money will be part of the program. It may or may not “take” permanently, depending on his attitude to it. But if this guy doesn’t get help, he’s going to remain the way he is, and you don’t need that in your life.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m dating a guy who has kids with another woman. They are not intimate (at least that is what he tells me) but he goes over there with his kids and spends hours — sometimes the whole day — with them and his ex. I find it really weird, but he assures me it’s common. He says he just wants his kids to feel normal. I’m worried sick there is more going on. How do I get to the bottom of this?

— Worried About the Baby Momma, Winnipeg

Dear Worried: Most “baby daddies” take the kids out for activities, or hang out together at his place. It doesn’t usually involve being close hang out pals with their ex. However, you should know there are some people who get along much better once they don’t have to live with one another. Sometimes the relationship starts to get fun and flirty, and they remember what it was like back when they were dating.

It’s unlikely those two are putting the kids in front of a movie so they can hit the bedroom together, although some people have stooped that low. But this former couple may well be flirting, and the kids wouldn’t notice anything wrong.

Drive over one day soon when he’s seeing his kids at Baby Momma’s place, on any excuse, and invite yourself right in. You’ll get a read off his ex, if you’re watching for it. Guilt can often be seen and felt.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m seeing an exciting and funny new man, but I just heard my ex-boyfriend is coming to Winnipeg to see his folks over the Christmas holidays. I got the word from a friend of mine. He called her, and told her he’d made a big mistake when he broke up with me before going to university! She took care of me when I fell apart after he left, as a free man, for greener pastures in Ontario.

Apparently, he hasn’t had a good time and he’s very lonely, and may transfer universities to get back home. Well, boo-hoo! I went through the fires of hell this fall when he dumped me so he could be “free.” Should I even talk to him?

— Wavering, St. James

Dear Wavering: Because you cared so much, it’d be a mistake to refuse to see him and hear what he has to say. Maybe you just need the meeting for the sake of a face-to-face apology, which would help heal your stitched-up heart. Either one or both of you will realize your feelings have dimmed — or you belong together, big-time.

You may also realize you care for the new man in your life more than you thought. He’ll be going crazy when you go to meet your ex, or he may dump you on your head before you do it. Still, this is not something you can hide, or it would be considered a major betrayal.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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