Relationship stress masked anxiety issues

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 02/03/2023 (1258 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Six hours after I broke up with my girlfriend, she’d already packed her bags and left my apartment to go back home. I panicked when I came home to an empty place and, big suck that I am, I phoned to beg her to come back.

She’s addicted to gambling, and as it turns out, I’m addicted too — to her. She said now that I’d kicked her out, she wasn’t ever coming back! By nightfall I had a full-blown panic attack, facing those four walls again by myself.

During the time I spent living with her, I almost forgot that I’m terrified of being alone when the sun goes down. She was such an all-consuming nuisance with her own addictions, I forgot about my own anxiety. Now the gremlins are back and here I go again. My anxiety is haunting me full force! Now what?

— Freaking Out Every Night, St. Boniface

Dear Freaking Out: If you’re in serious crisis mode at some point, call Klinic Community Health’s 24-7 crisis line at 204-786-8686 and they will help you. (For more info, visit klinic.mb.ca/crisis-support.) When you’re feeling OK in the daytime, focus on addressing your problem with serious anxiety by finding the best therapy possible. Then you’ll be in better shape to find a healthier mate and a much better relationship next time around. Your physician can help you find a therapist.

As you may know, psychologists are not medical doctors and cannot prescribe medication, but physicians and psychiatrists can, and anti-anxiety medication can be helpful as part of a person’s treatment.

You are not alone with your anxiety problem. Connect with the Anxiety Disorders Association of Manitoba (adam.mb.ca) and find out more about peer support sessions, available by phone or online via Zoom. These sessions aren’t “therapy” but they do focus on practical tools for the management of anxiety symptoms. ADAM also offers free programs such as the six-week Anxiety and Worry Support course (available by telephone or Zoom).

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother has a long-term “girlfriend.” I don’t care that Mom is a lesbian — I’m fine with that. She had some “bad” experiences with her mother’s boyfriend, when she was young. She doesn’t trust men very much. My biological father was not with us for long — just long enough for my mother to get pregnant — with me.

I just wish my mom would quit pushing the women-with-women agenda on me.

I’m not interested in girls except as friends. I’ve been hiding the fact I’ve had a boyfriend for a few months. We just see each other at school — and lunch times at his house.

I won’t bring him home where my mother could check him out, and look for faults. I really like him, and he’s a nice guy. I’m getting so tired of hiding his existence from my mother. What do you suggest?

— Tired of Hiding My Boyfriend, Winnipeg

Dear Tired: Tell your mom casually there’s a guy you like at school and that he’s a nice guy and “one of the good ones.” Then drop the subject, like it doesn’t matter too much. A few days later tell Mom something else about your new friend, with an example, and then drop the subject again. Let your mother start building up a picture of this nice guy — and start feeling some curiosity. No doubt she’s guessing he may soon be your boyfriend, if he isn’t already.

If she’s a smart mom, she’ll soon be saying: “Why don’t you bring your new boyfriend over?” That’s when you say to her quietly, “Because I’m afraid you’ll try to find fault with him and criticize him. I wouldn’t be good with that.”

She’ll be startled, but she’ll probably assure you that’s not true, even if it is. Why? Because now she’ll be dying to see this guy her baby likes!

One weekend afternoon soon after that, buy some nice snacks and bring them home — along with him. Cheerfully dump a medium-sized jigsaw puzzle or game onto the kitchen table, and invite your surprised mom to join you. The three of you will soon be busy enough there won’t be time for a full-on parental interview. It could actually be relaxing and fun — and then everybody starts to win.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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