You couldn’t take leap, so devote yourself to home

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 07/03/2023 (1245 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My hidden love is my close work partner, and we’re both unfortunately married to other people. We have been loving each other for many months now. A few weeks ago this sweet woman revealed to me she’s ready to leave her husband. She kept looking at me for a response, once she said it. I knew she was waiting for me to say I’d also leave my wife, to be with her. But just I couldn’t.

I just can’t leave the mother of my children and complicate my responsibilities as a dad. It’s against my morals and my religion, and it would break my wife’s and children’s hearts.

You should know I have never had sex with this lady from work, though I dream about her every night. She has no children of her own. Her marriage had gone cold way before I came along. I admit I knew she had hopes for being with me full-time, but I didn’t tell her I could never leave my wife and kids, until our big moment. I should have, I know.

So what can I say now? I’d much rather be with my co-worker, if I had no children and no wife. What can I do? It feels so terrible. My lady at work can’t bear looking at me now!

She’s seriously searching for another job. I may never see her face again after that happens. I’m in love with her, and I live to see her beautiful face every morning. There are probably only weeks left to see her.

I’m feeling so trapped in my marriage! Please tell me how to cope.

— Lost My Soul Mate, east Winnipeg

Dear Lost: Since you’re definitely staying with your wife and children, you’ll soon need to start making the best of your marriage. Some would advise full disclosure of this emotional affair and going for counselling, but consider this first: There’s a good chance your wife may already know about this work romance, and is trying to look the other way to keep the family together. If that’s the case, it’d be best for her to know exactly when this woman finds a new job outside your office.

If you advise your wife this woman is moving on, and she asks, “How do you feel about that?” You could say truthfully: “She needed to go.” As for you moving on mentally and emotionally, you need to become extra busy right now.

Taking on new projects with your family could inject some new enjoyment into your home life. Also, be aware that planning vacations with your wife and kids — for spring break and summer holidays — would be more relaxing than planning a trip alone together as a couple. Why? There’d be too much time to talk, and it might be hard.

With the whole family, also make a list of all the weekend things you’d like to do together, pin it up on the wall, and start ticking off the ones you do. The point of your staying intact as a family — is to the give the kids a good life growing up. This would be a very positive step.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ran into my favourite boyfriend from grade school at a restaurant last weekend. We used to kiss behind a yellow honeysuckle bush, so I reminded him of that — he remembered, and we both laughed.

I really want to call him, but I don’t know his relationship status, or whether he’s straight, gay or bi. I have my suspicions. How do I approach this? He did give me his phone number.

— Playfully Attracted, Osborne Village

Dear Attracted: You don’t need to find out his sexual orientation right now, even if you’re physically attracted, as it’s not a condition for friends to get together for coffee. Just phone the number he gave you and reconnect. You may end up having no interest in each other romantically, but become close friends again. Old school friends are special, as you have so many historical things in common, plus you can share catch-ups on schoolmates, teachers and the old neighbourhood.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I hate it when people ask me why I don’t look like the rest of my family. It’s obvious I was adopted since I don’t match the skin colour of my parents. I usually just stare at them without saying anything, until they get really uncomfortable, and then I change the subject. I know I need something to say to them but I can’t think of anything, and they don’t deserve to hear the story of my adoption. By the way, I have really nice parents. Do you have a line for me to say?

— Adopted at Birth, West End

Dear Adopted: Here’s a polite but pointed comment: “I’m adopted and have great parents. Maybe you’ll meet them one day, and you can ask them what you want to know.” That answers their question, but also lets them know they’re getting a bit too personal.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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