Sex fixation bad fit for building lasting bond

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I always fall in love with my girlfriends before they fall in love with me. Then they boot me out, for crowding them.

I’m just a guy who knows what he wants — daily love and sex — but I can’t seem to find that and make it last.

I was thinking marriage will do that, but my girlfriends say I’m too pushy in relationships and I act like a sex-starved idiot. Well, I am. Isn’t that the way all guys are when they’re 20?

I thought sex was supposed to be frequent and exciting. Help.

— Not Great At This, West End

Dear Not Great: Putting your emphasis on sex to the point where women tell you that you’re too pushy is a warning to seriously think things over about how you behave.

A warm and lasting love relationship, which is what you want, is not about all about sex. It’s also about deep friendship and enjoying each other’s personalities. Then there’s meeting friends and family, and becoming part of each other’s daily lives and activities.

Most importantly, it’s about building trust and enjoying your times together, even if you’re just relaxing and not having sex. The idea is to develop real closeness that lasts, hopefully forever.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new girlfriend came out on a date with me recently with a hickey on her neck, covered up badly with a scarf. I saw the bruise and I know a big hickey when I see one.

She tried to tell me a lie about tying her neck scarf too tight and getting a bruise. I just turned the car around and took her home.

She’s been calling every night since, and I tell her that I’m not interested in her anymore. What else can I do? I can’t curse her out, as that’s not my style.

— Gentleman, West Kildonan

Dear Gentleman: Take the next phone call from her and talk to her for the last time. Explain in more detail why what she did was offensive to you, and that you’re no longer interested in a relationship with her.

Then surprise her by wishing her good luck in her search for the right guy — a keeper.

Then say, “I’m not him and I will never be him, but good luck in your search for a great new partner.”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My daughter came home from a different city before Christmas feeling lonely and beaten. She hated her university studies. Instead of berating her for giving up, I asked her what she wanted to do with her life.

The only future my daughter’s interested in is the business she will inherit one day — my farm. My wife thinks this is not suitable for a woman, but I’m willing to teach my daughter everything. She’s a smart girl and only child who will inherit my business.

How can I make my wife get off the poor kid’s back so she’ll want to learn all she can from me? Then she can go back and take the necessary agriculture courses if she’s still interested. Being here on the farm now won’t be a waste of time.

— Devoted Dad, southern Manitoba

Dear Devoted: Sometimes a parent will be negative simply because they can’t see what lies ahead. Shine a bright light for your wife on all the possibilities.

She may be seeing this work you’re giving your daughter on the farm as a pity project, not a stepping stone to something responsible and exciting.

So, instil a new picture in everybody’s minds. Draw a tree with branches on it, and show both your daughter and wife the many future possibilities in the field of agriculture.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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