Don’t jump gun on nuptials for travel’s sake

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My girlfriend and I are in love, living together — a deeply committed couple who’d like to go travelling. She wants to quickly get married before we do that, “because of less trouble crossing borders.” I think that’s not a very romantic reason for getting married!

Now she’s upset and questioning why she’s even “just living” with me! I don’t know what to say. I just don’t want to get married unromantically, for travel’s sake. It’s a feeling deep in my gut. What do you think?

— Romantic Guy, Winnipeg

Dear Romantic Guy: There are cracks growing in your relationship right now, as expressed by your girlfriend, who’s questioning why you’re “just living together.”

Could you do some Canadian exploration together for now, and test out how you travel longer-term as a couple — and then decide on marriage, before you consider leaving the safety of your own country?

The world has seriously changed for travellers recently and it may be safer for you two as a legally married pair to travel in some countries outside of Canada.

Having said that, “not wanting to get married unromantically “ is a personally valid reason for you to stay unmarried. So, for now, why not travel the length and breadth of Canada as an unmarried but committed couple — feeling safe. Then you can consider marriage if it builds up to both of you wanting it.

Then you’ll both be safer travelling far and wide. Not every country approves or respects unmarried couples and that can make for dicey situations.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new girlfriend of two months just changed her fragrance to one my ex-wife wore when I was with her. It shouldn’t bother me, but it does. Sexy perfume can take me back in time. I can’t stop thinking about my ex-wife now. In fact, my new lady caught me calling my ex-wife on the phone “to just say hello again.”

We immediately had a row over that. I told her last night she’d just have to stop wearing that perfume from my past. She said, “I love it, and I’m going to keep wearing it!” And I said, “That’s dangerous, because it brings back memories of my ex.” We’re at a stand-off.

— Over-Reacting? East Kildonan

Dear Over-Reacting: No, you’re just honestly expressing your confusing sensual situation and feelings. Most women would change things up in the perfume department for a new relationship if it reminded their new man of his ex-partner. But it doesn’t seem like this new lady cares that deeply about you. Maybe it’s time to say “next!”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I went swimming with an older guy at a cabin party weekend — not my boyfriend, just a new guy I’d met. I noticed he left his t-shirt on in the water when the sun wasn’t even around. Then, when it was a smoky day again, and he had it off, and I noticed scars on his back — not like acne. They were like stripes. I was shocked! I wondered if he’d been abused, but I didn’t have the nerve to ask.

Did I do the right thing, or would he be wondering why I didn’t ask, so he could just get the explanation over with?

— Curious Lady, West Kildonan

Dear Curious: You gave this man the choice to bring it up or let it go. He may have watched to see if you were noticing after he took off his shirt. The best time for you to bring it up would be if you two started getting close, certainly more than new lake party friends. Wait until he mentions it to make it entirely his choice.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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