Trust your gut on wannabe-swinger fiancé

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend had too much to drink on the weekend and he told me he wants us to experiment with different sex partners together soon. I thought he was joking. He wasn’t.

He already has a couple in mind and whipped out a photo of them. They were barely dressed. Yikes!

Then I thought, maybe this is God’s way of warning me away from this man.

Now that I’m clearly backing off, my boyfriend is calling and saying he was just kidding when he mentioned experimenting with another couple.

It sure didn’t sound like kidding, and who would joke about a thing like this to their soon-to-be wife?

We had been saving money for a big wedding, but today I said clearly, “I want out.” Then, I told my pushy mother and she said it was too late to cancel. She said, “You can’t embarrass us like this. We’ve already made some of the down payments to help you have the best wedding.”

Help me, please.

— Have to Escape, East Kildonan

Dear Have to Escape: Your brain and gut are telling you loudly that this marriage should not be going forward. No matter what Mama says, you need to honour yourself and get out of it.

Absolutely do so, even if you have to get a second job to pay off any down payments and bills accrued so far.

Get legal advice on any wedding- related bookings, as some people might try to put the squeeze on you if you don’t cancel or square up with them early enough.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My big problem is not that my wife and I have fights, but that she keeps going to our grown children to tell them all the details. Within half an hour of any tiff we have, I’ll get a phone call from one of my sons, lambasting me.

The last time it sounded like their mother made them worried I might physically harm her. I’ve never laid a hand on any woman, or threatened to do so. I didn’t even spank the kids when they were young. This is absolute craziness.

My wife must be making things up to tell our boys. After any argument with her, I always leave the house and go for a long drive to calm down and give us both space. Then we just don’t talk about it again until the next problem surfaces. But after that, there’s often a worse fight because we’re still mad from the one before.

Please advise.

— Vicious Cycle, West End

Dear Vicious Cycle: Just calming down after a fight does not make all the problems go away. Instead, they get stockpiled, making room for new ones to get piled on top.

You also need to look at the ganging-up dynamic within your family. Your wife is trying to score points with your sons as her support partners, and you’re becoming seen as the bad guy.

At this point, you need professional help from outside the family, starting with a visit to see a relationship counsellor, to find someone you both like and respect, and can talk to freely.

Some counsellors work in a male- female duo, and that can often help balance things in the sessions with couples.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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